Let's Speculate Wildly About A California Congressman's Abrupt Resignation!

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Oh man, if there's one thing that can only mean good things, it's when a longtime Congressman who was already going to quit at the end of the term -- which is, like, only five months away -- decides, 'Enh, you know what, I don't have another five months to waste on this bullshit,' and just up and quits right away! Could there be some brewing scandal beneath his claims that "increasing parenting challenges" require his full attention? Are there hookers involved? (Adult lady hookers, obviously, he's a Democrat.) Bribes? Murders? Sure, let's say murders!

Let's connect the dots, people: Dennis Cardoza was once upon time Gary Condit's chief of staff but then he became a California legislator and then later ran against Gary Condit in the 2002 Democratic primary because Gary Condit refused to resign in disgrace over the whole Chandra Levy thing, and Dennis Cardoza won and has been a Congressman ever since. If you are a Young Person who has no memory of the Chandra Levy case, here, read the Wikipedia page about her. Your editor was expecting to be taken back to a simpler time, the summer of 2001, when the worst America had to worry about was Bush privatizing Social Security and a weird wave of shark attacks and maybe this California congressman (Gary Condit) had murdered an intern he was sleeping with (Chandra Levy). But the article actually turns out to be super-depressing, with the gruesome details of her death and her father lying to investigators to make Condit look guiltier, so be warned!

Eventually they convicted a Salvadoran dude for the murder, but maybe Cardoza was secretly behind it so that he could take Condit's place in Congress? And this is about to come out which is why he's quitting now? Could this be what's happening???

Haha, NO, certainly not, only a monster would propose such a thing (please do not sue us). In fact, the much more likely (and depressing reason) comes from the complete version of the sentence where he mentioned his parenting challenges:

In light of the fact that nothing is going to happen for the rest of the year, and in light of the fact that (my wife) and I are facing increasing parenting challenges, this seemed the right time to make this move.

Uh oh, did a sitting Congressman just publicly admit that Congress will literally not do anything else for the entire rest of the current term? Whoops! Sorry about that whole "fiscal cliff" business, everybody! Yeah, quitting's probably a pretty good idea. Also, Cardoza was a Blue Dog Democrat and he gave them a special shout-out in his statement: "Long may you bark." Gross, do you think he made "Who Let The Dogs Out"-style barking noises when he said this? Murder would be less shameful. [SacBee/Politico]

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