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Hey Wonkers, what is up and things! Are you quitting something today? Sarah Palin is! We don't know what it is, but we're sure she is. Of course, we are talking about that because this is your weekly Top Ten post, and your top story of the week, by far, is about Sarah Palin quitting a thing. This most recent time, it was her Pay-Per-Derp channel, but what will it be next? Does she secretly smoke moose-flavored ciggies and she's going to quit that? Does she even HAVE another job to quit? OH NO SHE IS GOING TO QUIT TODD.


Of course, the pic above has nothing to do with Sarah Palin quitting. That is your weekly dose of Wonkette Baby.

Okay, we'll get to the week's top stories in a paragraph, but first it's time to hustle you for cash. PLEASE GIVE US $5.  Because you wouldn't know about Sarah Palin quitting every single thing if it weren't for yr Wonkette, or at least you'd have to wait for "other sites" (whoever THEY are) to find out and write about it, and then you wouldn't laugh at all, because funny is OUR JOB. So won't you help us keep monitoring Sarah Palin's every move, and also being generally hilarious, by throwing us $5? It is a bargain to love us so much.

WE WILL WAIT WHILE YOU TAKE CARE OF THAT.

(still waiting)

Okay, now that's out of the way, here are your top ten posts of the week, as chosen by science. If you've already read them, read them again!

1. Sarah Palin Quits Thing. Best Wonkette headline ever? MAYBE.

2. Ted Cruz Will Save Jew Churches From The Homosexuals. Or maybe THAT is the best Wonkette headline ever. Dunno, we're so fucking good at headlines, even Right Wing Watch is trying to copy us.

3. There is a reason former Rep. John Dingell holds the title of "Best Congressional Tweeter Ever," and he won the internet all over again this week.

4. Nancy Pelosi trolled Republicans HARD over the Confederate Flag.

5. Arizona held the STUPIDEST Confederate Flag protest ever. It was beautiful and hilarious.

6. There were several dumbass county clerks denying gay marriage licenses, due to the fact that the still small voice in their heads, which they've been misidentifying as Jesus their whole lives, is like "EW FAGS." But the one you loved the most is that Kim Davis asshole in Kentucky.

7. Bill Cosby drugged women, no shit, moving on.

8. The World's Best Judge decided it would be a great idea to send three kids to juvie -- INDEFINITELY -- for the crime of refusing to have lunch with their dear old possibly-abusive dad. Luckily, she changed her mind and sent them to summer camp instead. She's still an asshole.

9. Wonkette does not allow comments, but still somehow a few get through. Here's one that was so good we made it into a post, and THEN it was the #9 story of the week!

10. And oh yes, we wrote about the controversy in Memphis over whether to dig up the dead, rotting bones of Confederate traitor Nathan Bedford Forrest. That piece wasn't getting so much traffic until wingnuts started finding it and OOH IT MADE THEM MAD. Fucking losers. Read all about that in today's edition of Deleted Comments Of The Week, the Nathan Bedford Forrest edition!

Also, because we are one of the people in charge here, we will be nominating commenter Zippy for ONE of the best comments of the week, one that at least made yr Wonkette LITERALLY LOL. Some racist confederate left a (now deleted) comment on the Forrest post, and Zippy replied, "Hi Dylann, I didn't realize they gave you internet access in jail." MIC DROP.

Remember, we are also at your service on the Facebooks, the Twitters, and the Tumblrs! Wonkette is all the places, and all the places are Wonkette!

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Oh, and you should sign up for the Wonkette newsletter, so that you can get a secret gay love note from your Wonkette every day! (Mostly.)

OH, and did you know you can buy sexy Wonkette apparel in the Wonkette online swag emporium? Yes you can! There are t-shirts and coffee cups, the Bernie Sanders t-shirt right below this paragraph, and even PANTIES WITH TEETH. Editrix Rebecca would like to reassure everyone that, even though she has taken her maternity leave, she is still ready and willing to send you all of the things you decide to buy.

Again, your Wonkette loves you very much! If you missed your opportunity above, don’t even worry about doing hard stuff like scrolling up. You can just click THIS link and give us $5. Or you can give us more. We are not opposed to that!

Okay, now we are very tired and are going to go spend the rest of Sunday at a concert and maybe also drinking a bloody mary or three at brunch. See you Monday!

 

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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