Let's Watch Republicans Try To Out-Stupid Ben Carson. Your Debate Preview!
Republican debate watchers.
Oh, do you have your DVRs set and your babysitters called and your sex lube procured for tonight's SUPER-EXCITING REPUBLICAN DEBATE? Yes, they're going to yammer words at each other again, and people are going to watch it, and by the end there will be a Reagan-flavored wet spot on every futon and chaise longue in U.S. America. As usual, you have questions, we have semi-accurate answers and also some jokes, probably about jizz or buttsex.
Is it going to be badstupid like the CNBC debate?
Why yes, but in a different way! You see, this time it's on the Fox Business Network, which means the Republican candidates are going back home to a safer place, where the questions are more easier, and the moderators will fondle their nakedness areas a LOT more. And that means it will be terrible.
Who are the contenders? Is there anything different about this debate, possibly something yr Doktor Zoom writed about in a bloggity post last week?
There IS something different, and he DID write about it! You are so good at remembering yr Wonkette posts from last week!
So basically Fox Business Network decided to shake it up by sending two of the A Idiots down to the Kids' Table Debate. Chris Christie and Mike Huckabee will be joining Rick Santorum and the unhyphenated fart clouds of Bobby Jindal.
And Lindsey Graham and George Pataki? They have been deemed too pathetic to attend ANY debates. We would be For Sad for them, except for how pfffffft, we do not care.
LOL Mike Huckabee is an even bigger loser than before!
Ayup, and it's good because he said a zinger about Ben Carson on MSNBC, so we wouldn't want the two of them in the same room, in case Carson's feeling stabby!
And that leaves who for the Big Kids' Table Debate again?
Um, it leaves the other ones. Do you really need us to write a list, because you are very new at this "life" thing? Fine: Donald Trump, Ben Carson, Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, Jeb! Bush, the girl one, John Kasich and Rand Paul.
How many new lies will Ben Carson tell about his life story?
Yr official Wonkette estimate is SEVEN. At least two will be about Jesus sending telepathic messages while he's operating on brains, and one will be that really cool time West Point let him ride a dinosaur at the Popeyes Organization.
THERE ARE NO DINOSAURS AT THE POPEYES ORGANIZATION!
The fuck you say, Ben Carson!
Will Jeb Bush kill Baby Hitler on the stage?
MAYBE! He sure did have himself a rock hard giggle boner about maybe getting to do that on Monday!
NO KILLING BABIES, JEB! THIS ISN'T PLANNED PARENTHOOD!
The fuck you say, Bristol Palin!
It's kind of sad how Bobby Jindal keeps showing up to these things.
How do I watch this fine television programme?
On internets! That's right, Fox is bad at everything else, but it's not a dickmouthed troll like CNBC when it comes to letting Americans watch their presidential candidates debate each other for free. You can also watch it on televisions.
When is it on? Search internets for us, Wonket, answer us all the details!
Ugh, OK. So the dumb-dumb losers debate is at 7 PM ET, and the big kids loser debate is at 9 PM ET.
What time is that in the "Mountain Time Zone"?
It's not a time in the "Mountain Time Zone," because that is a fake time zone that doesn't exist.
Will Wonket be liveblogging it?
Your mother will be liveblogging it.
Duh, of course we are, did you fall of the turnip truck next Tuesday? Now go away, and SEE YOU TONIGHT!
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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