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Tiny Ben Shapiro Threatens Beto O'Rourke With His Big, Bad Gun

Culture Wars

Last night, during CNN's Equality Town Hall, Democratic presidential candidate Beto O'Rourke declared that as president he'd revoke the tax-exempt status for religious organizations that oppose marriage equality. Same-sex marriage is perfectly legal, has been for years. O'Rourke's position defends law-abiding citizens instead of providing aid and comfort to bigots. (It'd be a lot more constitutional to revoke all churches' tax exempt status instead of passing judgment on their individual creeds, so we should probably do that instead.) Predictably, conservatives are all up in arms today, and by this, I mean, they are literally threatening armed revolt. This is probably why O'Rourke wants to take away their guns.

Ben Shapiro, the living ventriloquist dummy from a "Twilight Zone" episode, claimed on his show today that O'Rourke finds the mere existence of religious people "offensive." That's not what Beto said. Unlike queer Americans, religious people can choose a non-bigoted lifestyle. We don't have to electrocute them or anything. Shapiro warned O'Rourke against starting a "culture war" and tearing apart a nation that was otherwise getting along so well.


SHAPIRO: I promise you if you come to tell me you're going to indoctrinate my kids in a particular policy and I can't pull my kids out of the school and I send my kid to a school I want to send them to...

That still isn't what Beto said.

SHAPIRO: And I can't go to the church or synagogue I want to...

No, Beto didn't say that, either.

SHAPIRO: And you make that national policy, not just California policy where I can move... I now have two choices: One is to leave the country entirely.

I'm liking that option. That's a tough one to beat.

SHAPIRO: The other is to pick up a gun. Those are the only choices you have left me.

Check out the stable brain on Ben! I find it interesting that conservatives can propose actual, real-live, non-imaginary laws that restrict women's rights, and most women don't respond with Taxi Driver monologue videos. Shapiro hallucinated an Orwellian nightmare and now he's prepared to shoot any "truant officers" President O'Rourke sends to his house.

SHAPIRO: My right to raise my child in my faith is my right. It is my right to raise my child with the moral precepts that I find to be beneficial to my child. Beto O'Rourke does not get to raise my child.

Has Shapiro consulted his child about this?

SHAPIRO: And if he tries, I will meet him at the door with a gun.

Beto isn't selling queerness door-to-door like vacuum cleaners with superior suction. This is also the 21st Century. Stop pretending you're going to confront invading armies like Mel Gibson in The Patriot. We have the Internet now. Your "revolution" would end once someone in a far-away cubicle pushes a button and freezes your assets.

There's nothing more pathetic than someone who's probably never even been in a fight puffing themselves up with some .45 caliber courage. Clint Eastwood got away with the whole unforgiven Dirty Harry act because he was a believable, raspy-voiced tough guy without it. The gun was an accessory to his ass kicking. Shapiro's gun is like a giant dildo that makes him superfluous in the bedroom. He can just plug it in and leave.

Segregationists also threatened liberals with violence if they dared to make them follow the law, integrate schools, and treat minorities like people. This is more of the same. Nothing frightens conservative and inspires them to raid their gun cabinets more than progress.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle.

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