Lindsey Graham Dropping Out Of Race To Spend More Time Yelling 'Bye Felicia!' At ISIS

Life of the sexxx party

Poor Lindsey Graham. He thought his strategy of beginning every debate by gravely weeping in the general direction of America about how ISIS is coming to get us all in our sleep, UNLESS we elect a president with iron gentleman's balls such as his, would catapult him right into the White House. He thought maybe he could do what his sauna buddies John McCain and Joe Lieberman could not! Anyway, Lindsey Graham is dropping out of the Republican primary, and now you have an image of McCain, Lieberman and Graham wearing nothing but bath towels and man sweat in your brain, haha sucks to be you:

"I'm going to suspend my campaign. I'm not going to suspend my desire to help the country," the South Carolina senator said in a wide-ranging and candid discussion in which he acknowledged: "I've hit a wall here."

[contextly_sidebar id="QfTQKLylpD8RQ7bqfCWicCSfY3G5bUrn"]Pretty sure he hit that wall before he ever started running. Or maybe he hit the wall that time he decided to pound Jameson all night and give CNN's Dana Bash sexxxy lapdances while they played Fuck / Marry / Kill. (SPOILER ALERT AND TRIGGER WARNING: He wants to be Carly Fiorina's new bride, once she trades her husband in for a gayer model, because she's got Sugar Daddy writed all over her.)

[contextly_sidebar id="79005Xgu33LKa3pd4GEdG497iA01vGbE"]Lindsey Graham would have been a unique president, in that he is a "confirmed bachelor," and once suggested maybe his revolving harem of ladies and his sister could just take turns being First Lady.

He says he won't endorse anybody just yet, so we guess we'll all have to wait around to see which candidate The Bachelor ultimately gives his rose to. Maybe it'll be a Republican. Maybe it'll be a girl:

To those who are doing the fighting, I want to be your voice. To those in the Republican Party who want to win, check my plan out. Hillary, if you get to be President, I'll help you where I can. I hope you're not. But if you are, I'll be there to help you win a war we can't afford to lose.

All the candidates just breathed a sigh of relief, knowing the gentleman from South Carolina won't be Going Rogue like a common Palin.

We'll "miss" having Lindsey Graham around, throwing "Princess Buttercup" shade at Ted Cruz like Suzanne Sugarbaker defending a pageant crown. And we're quite sure the rich white men of America will be very upset, since Lindsey promised he'd be their little fluffer in the White House, were he to be elected.

But 'tis not to be. As of press time, Sen. Graham was reportedly on his seventh drunk viewing of "Gone With The Wind," knowing just how Scarlett felt. (ALLEGEDLY.)


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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