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We have been worried about genteel Southern bachelor Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina for quite a while now, y'all. During the Republican primary, he wasn't scared to call Donald Trump a "kook." By the end of the first year of Trump's presidency, Graham was carrying Trump's balls on the golf course and crying to the media that everybody was acting like Trump is some sort of "kook." What kind of Lindsey Graham would say such an unkind thing about Lindsey Graham's best friend?

At times, Graham seems like he's trying to hump the line between sanity and staying in Trump's good graces, and maybe if we got into that weird little brain of his, we'd learn he thinks he's still doing that. He pays lip service to protecting the Robert Mueller investigation -- his name is even on a Going Nowhere bill to do just that! -- but then he gets up on his little high horse and says "NO COLLUSION! WITCH HUNT!" out of the other side of his mouth, and honestly we do not know what the hell is going on here.

Trump and Graham tapped balls into holes on Sunday, and Graham talked about the experience to Republicans in South Carolina on Monday. What he said was ... weird.


He says Trump simply would not stop talking about NO COLLUSION and WITCH HUNT, that he probably mentioned it "20 times," but that he told the president yet again that if he fires Mueller, he's fucked:

"I want to win in November. If we stop the Mueller probe tomorrow, you wouldn't be able to talk about anything else," Graham said.

But he also told the president please do not worry, because the FBI was totally in the tank for Hillary Clinton, just like the voices in Trump's head say they were, and they are all going to get LOCK HER UPPED one of these days, bet your dimply orange ass, Mister President!

"I told the president this: I promise you, you'll be treated fairly. I promise you that the people who put the Clinton investigation in the tank, they're going to have their day too."

"So, I'm going to let Mueller do his job and we'll see what he finds, but Mueller's not in charge of looking at the FISA warrant application, he's not in charge of overseeing the FBI. What they did during the 2016 election on behalf of Clinton appalls me."

And then he added that, if the Senate stays in Republican hands (VOTE, MOTHERFUCKERS) and if he ends up being chairman of the very powerful Senate Judiciary Committee, he will personally give Trump the reacharound Trump's brain goblins have been begging for:

"There's a good chance I'll be Judiciary chairman if we hold the Senate next year. If I'm Judiciary chairman? Stay tuned," Graham said.

Riiiiiiiiiight.

What the fuck is wrong with Lindsey Graham? Did the Russians hack his emails and WikiLeak them to Donald Trump? What did they find? Stuff that's been rumored in Washington since, oh, FUCKING FOREVER? Because trust us, that would not be the finest kompromat the Russian intelligence services ever did, if so. "GUCCIFER SAY GUCCI-WHAAAAAAAT?" That is what Wonkette would say about that, definitely.

Lindsey Graham was not done saying dumb shit to the South Carolina Republicans:

"I've told the president the same thing I'm going to tell you. I've been looking at this for two years. I find zero evidence of you colluding with the Russians. Trump beat Hillary Clinton, not the Russians," said Graham. "I don't think he colluded with the Russians 'cause I don't think he colludes with his own government, so why do we think he would've colluded with the Russians?"

Haw haw, Lindsey Graham, cute line about Trump not even colluding with his own government. (He has been saying this forever. It is obviously the only joke he knows, except for all the jokes he says when he's pounding Jameson and playing Fuck Marry Kill with Dana Bash. This is a thing that happened.)

Also Lindsey Graham had dinner with Jared Kushner the other night and says he believes Jared when Jared says he was bored during Don Jr.'s Trump Tower Treason meeting, which means there was NO COLLUSION obviously.

One more thing:

"So, I told the president I know you don't like it," Graham said Monday. "I know you feel put upon, you just gotta ride it out."

OH GET A FUCKING ROOM.

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[Roll Call]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!

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Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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