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We have been worried about genteel Southern bachelor Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina for quite a while now, y'all. During the Republican primary, he wasn't scared to call Donald Trump a "kook." By the end of the first year of Trump's presidency, Graham was carrying Trump's balls on the golf course and crying to the media that everybody was acting like Trump is some sort of "kook." What kind of Lindsey Graham would say such an unkind thing about Lindsey Graham's best friend?

At times, Graham seems like he's trying to hump the line between sanity and staying in Trump's good graces, and maybe if we got into that weird little brain of his, we'd learn he thinks he's still doing that. He pays lip service to protecting the Robert Mueller investigation -- his name is even on a Going Nowhere bill to do just that! -- but then he gets up on his little high horse and says "NO COLLUSION! WITCH HUNT!" out of the other side of his mouth, and honestly we do not know what the hell is going on here.

Trump and Graham tapped balls into holes on Sunday, and Graham talked about the experience to Republicans in South Carolina on Monday. What he said was ... weird.


He says Trump simply would not stop talking about NO COLLUSION and WITCH HUNT, that he probably mentioned it "20 times," but that he told the president yet again that if he fires Mueller, he's fucked:

"I want to win in November. If we stop the Mueller probe tomorrow, you wouldn't be able to talk about anything else," Graham said.

But he also told the president please do not worry, because the FBI was totally in the tank for Hillary Clinton, just like the voices in Trump's head say they were, and they are all going to get LOCK HER UPPED one of these days, bet your dimply orange ass, Mister President!

"I told the president this: I promise you, you'll be treated fairly. I promise you that the people who put the Clinton investigation in the tank, they're going to have their day too."

"So, I'm going to let Mueller do his job and we'll see what he finds, but Mueller's not in charge of looking at the FISA warrant application, he's not in charge of overseeing the FBI. What they did during the 2016 election on behalf of Clinton appalls me."

And then he added that, if the Senate stays in Republican hands (VOTE, MOTHERFUCKERS) and if he ends up being chairman of the very powerful Senate Judiciary Committee, he will personally give Trump the reacharound Trump's brain goblins have been begging for:

"There's a good chance I'll be Judiciary chairman if we hold the Senate next year. If I'm Judiciary chairman? Stay tuned," Graham said.

Riiiiiiiiiight.

What the fuck is wrong with Lindsey Graham? Did the Russians hack his emails and WikiLeak them to Donald Trump? What did they find? Stuff that's been rumored in Washington since, oh, FUCKING FOREVER? Because trust us, that would not be the finest kompromat the Russian intelligence services ever did, if so. "GUCCIFER SAY GUCCI-WHAAAAAAAT?" That is what Wonkette would say about that, definitely.

Lindsey Graham was not done saying dumb shit to the South Carolina Republicans:

"I've told the president the same thing I'm going to tell you. I've been looking at this for two years. I find zero evidence of you colluding with the Russians. Trump beat Hillary Clinton, not the Russians," said Graham. "I don't think he colluded with the Russians 'cause I don't think he colludes with his own government, so why do we think he would've colluded with the Russians?"

Haw haw, Lindsey Graham, cute line about Trump not even colluding with his own government. (He has been saying this forever. It is obviously the only joke he knows, except for all the jokes he says when he's pounding Jameson and playing Fuck Marry Kill with Dana Bash. This is a thing that happened.)

Also Lindsey Graham had dinner with Jared Kushner the other night and says he believes Jared when Jared says he was bored during Don Jr.'s Trump Tower Treason meeting, which means there was NO COLLUSION obviously.

One more thing:

"So, I told the president I know you don't like it," Graham said Monday. "I know you feel put upon, you just gotta ride it out."

OH GET A FUCKING ROOM.

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[Roll Call]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

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