Lindsey Graham Promises To Be Butchest, Scariest President EVER!

Dignified and genteel Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-Other Southern White Guys) announced today that he will be seeking to lose the presidential election to Hillary Clinton, and he has two messages for US Americans: 1. He is the toughest, most badassed dude in the race, and all the foreigns are terrified of him; and 2. He is The Moderate Candidate who will bring Americans together, after our eight-year nightmare with the divisive Kenyan Socialist Commie named B. Hussein Obama.

ISIS Is So Bad, Only Lindsey Graham Can Defeat It

On the first point, Graham said, "I want to be president to defeat the enemies trying to kill us, not just penalize them or criticize them or contain them, but defeat them." We aren't sure how this is different from the Obama doctrine of working with our allies to bomb the fuck out of ISIS, but we're guessing that, from a guy who is BFFs with John McCain and Joe Lieberman, it means WAR, WAR, WAR!!! Graham continued:

“Simply put, radical Islam is running wild. They have more safe havens, more money, more weapons and more capability to strike our homeland than anytime since 9/11. They are large, rich and entrenched. As president, I will make them small, poor and on the run.

“But to defeat this enemy, it will require more than military might. The most powerful weapon in our arsenal isn’t a gun. It’s an idea. The terrorists are selling a glorious death. We must sell a hopeful life. I’ve learned from my travels that a small school house in a remote region educating a young girl can do more damage to radical Islam than any weapon we possess.”

Hurray for educating girls! He is actually correct that empowering women is one of the best ways we can fight against rigid, fundamentalist ideologies. It's too bad we didn't recently have a Secretary of State who has been actively working on that front for years, and who is now running for president.

Graham went through a litany of scary bad guys -- ISIS bad! Putin bad! China is building islands for some reason! -- and explained that "it is time for America to come back!" We were not aware that America had gone away, under Obama's iron fist, but it must be true. All Obama does is give speeches, according to Graham, who made the gathered wingnuts guffaw with these sick burns:

"Speeches alone won't make us safe. If that were true, we'd be really safe!"

"I have more experience with national security than any other candidate in this race. That includes you, Hillary."

Oh no, Hillary Clinton is quaking in her pantsuit.

Graham feels confident saying these things, of course, because all the bad guys what want to kill America KNOW WHO HE IS. That should be interesting in the debates, because Rick Santorum ALSO claims that ISIS knows him, so we guess they'll just have to duke it out over who has been friends with ISIS the longest.

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Graham also leveled a thinly veiled zinger at Rand Paul, asserting that: "Those who believe we can disengage from the world at large ... vote for someone else, I am not your man."

Other Stuff And Things

Once Graham was done with the WAR! part of his announcement, he briefly said other things. For instance, Social Security is so important that maybe younger people will just have to work a few more years in order to get it. He knows energy independence is very important, and also promises to be a social conservative wingnut, in the vaguest terms possible: "I'll be a voice for social conservative values, without apology or animosity."

But most importantly, he wants America to know that he will be the sensible, moderate Republican candidate. To Democrats, he said, "You're not my enemy. You're my fellow countrymen. My enemies are those who despise our shared values." (LIKE ISIS, CAN WE TALK ABOUT THEM AGAIN?)

Graham will find all the common ground between the parties, because no presidential candidate has ever said that before, and he concluded by saying, "I intend to be president not of a single party, but of a nation." We assume he meant to add "of white men" afterward, but forgot, because remember that time Lindsey Graham got recorded saying this? 

"I’m trying to help you with your tax status. I’m sorry the government’s so fucked up. If I get to be president, white men in male-only clubs are going to do great in my presidency."

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That's right, white dudes in No Girls Allowed clubs, like Augusta National and gay bathhouses. You just get ready, because President Lindsey Graham's gonna make EVERYTHING better.

[ The Hill ]