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He looks like that Twilight Zone where they all got turned into mannequins :(


Tummy feeling too normal? Haven't thrown up even once today? WE'RE HERE TO HELP. Consider this tape of Alabama Governor Robert Bentley (R - Jesus) threatening to touch the #boobs and the "under" of Not His Wife, Rebekah Caldwell Mason. Mason has denied she did gross sex stuff with the governor by not denying it all and insisting she was boned by sexism, because you don't see people accusing the governor of threatening to touch MEN'S boobs, now do you?

You can not argue with that!

Here, separately, are links to AL.com and to Gawker. While AL.com got the tapes first, we would like to pat Gawker on the head in the form of a link for remembering the difference between when a secret recording is "newsworthy" -- because it kiiiinda proves the governor is a Lying Liar Who Lies about not having sex with that woman, Ms. Mason -- and when it is trash.

For real, the tape is gross, particularly coupled, as the cruel AL.com did, with images of the governor's #face.

So you are listening to it and wondering "why is the governor doing a #boobs soliloquy?" Happy you asked! The governor's wife, who is now his Not Wife too, was all "oh hey, I am going for a walk now, listen to me leave CLOMP CLOMP clomp clomp clomp can you hear my footsteps getting farther away I am at the beach now [sound of seagulls] and definitely not still in the house." But she had left her cell phone behind and recording to catch her rat bastard husband cheating with his dirty whore! Then AL.com edited out the boring parts where Robert Bentley was just listening to Rebekah Caldwell Mason and probably fingering his peehole (that is how men masturbate).

Now she gets their beach house. [Sound of seagulls]

We will let you read Gawker's transcript of sadness, because we don't even want to copy and paste it, and leave you only with this statement from Rebekah Caldwell Mason's husband:

On behalf of our family I would like to thank everyone for their prayers and messages of unconditional love and grace over the past few days. I wanted to share that I long ago resolved the personal issue playing out now for everyone this week. Please continue to support families, the governor, and our state with prayers as we all move forward.

I feel like Rebekah Caldwell Mason's husband wasn't listening when she laid down the party line, which was that she had not fucked that man, the governor. I also feel like maybe he is gay.

[Gawker / AL.com]

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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