Liveblogging BIG PORKY SEAN SPICER'S Last Press Briefing Ever, Unless He Does Another One

fake news

Hooray, it is time for the Not Daily Sean Spicer Press Briefing! We wrote at you this morning about how the White House Press Corps is GRRRR MAD because the Trump regime is cutting back press access and not allowing on camera/recorded briefings, and that Sean Spicer may be YOU'RE FIRED-ING himself from his position as press secretary. Some say it's because Spicer wants a bigger sexxxier job in the White House, whereas Steve Bannon says Spicer is just a regular chunk monster who's too fat to be on TV. Which is the truth? You decide! We're just reporting what BOTH SIDES say.

You watch this livestream right now:


1:40: Anyway, Spicer is late. You all know we're only saying BIG PORKY SEAN SPICER because that's why Steve Bannon said Spicer isn't doing briefings on camera, and we are calling bullshit on that because A) we know it's a lie and the Trump administration is literally doing creepy and bad things to the free press, and B) Steve Bannon, though he is very svelte and ripped, is an asshole. You know that, right? We don't want to hear from people on Twitter who read the headline BUT DON'T READ THE CONTENT.

1:50: COME THE FUCK ON, SPICER. Oh just kidding he just walked out.

1:52: He is just making his dumb opening statements about things literally nobody wants to talk about. Also he looks tired.

1:54: It is "Tech Week," which will likely be just as RUSSIA FAKE NEWS as infrastructure week and jobs week.

1:56: FIRST QUESTION: Say something about Otto Warmbier, the guy who was released from North Korea, only to pass away days later because of what those fuckers did to him.

SPICER: Words about Otto Warmbier.

1:58: QUESTION: Donald Trump said the Senate healthcare bill is a big heartless piece of poo, just like the House bill. Why?

SPICER: Trump cares. He understands health care. He loves you. OBAMACARE SUX.

2:00: QUESTION: If Jon Ossoff wins in GA-06, does that mean everybody hates Donald Trump?

SPICER: This election is meaningless, unless Ossoff loses, in which case it will be UNMEANINGLESS.

2:02: FINALLY! Hey Spicey, you firing yourself from your job? Are you too much of a Biggie McLargeHuge to be press secretary, like Bannon said?

SPICER: I am right here! I am not going anywhere! Unless I do, in which case I will make a big announcement! Why Steve Bannon always gotta be so mean about my love handles?

2:05: QUESTION: No seriously, what the fuck is wrong with the press office at the White House right now? Are you all just going to keep hiding from us?

SPICER: We will say lies at you when we feel like it, because "First Amendment." Also we get to work at Zero AM and leave at One Million O'Clock at night, so it's not like we're not here to answer your questions, OK, assholes? "YOU ALWAYS WANT MORE!" That is a literal quote Spicer said.

2:07: We're getting bored. Somebody needs to ask a real dickish question about Russia, just to get some energy flowing in Sean Spicer's press room. Suggested question: "Sean Spicer, is Trump having trouble releasing the fake James Comey tapes because he accidentally taped over those VHS tapes with the Russian Pee Hooker Show? Is he watching those tapes right now? Has he even left the residence today?"

2:10: QUESTION: Has Trump even seen the Senate's healthcare bill, or is it stuck so far up Mitch McConnell's butt that nobody can see it?

SPICER: How would I know? They don't tell me things.

2:13: QUESTION: Ford is moving a bunch of jobs to China. Didn't Trump say he would magically make all the jobs stay in America?

SPICER: Trump tax plan will fix that!

REAL ANSWER: You idiots didn't believe him when he said that, did you? Oh wait you did? Oh god.

2:17: QUESTION FROM NBC LADY HALLIE JACKSON: How is the GOP's current secret maneuvering on healthcare any different from back in the day, when Republicans bitched about how the Democrats were doing Obamacare secretly, even though they totally didn't do that?

SPICER: Shut up, this is all the Democratics' fault!

2:22: QUESTION: Will Donald Trump FINALLY admit the Russians interfered with the election, since LITERALLY EVERY INTELLIGENCE AGENCY SAYS THEY DID?

SPICER: I will have to ask the president that question, because it literally has never occurred to me to find out that information, by which I actually mean Trump is still a petulant babydick who can't admit he might not have won if it hadn't been for Russian interference.

And then there was one more question about the fake Comey tapes that don't exist. Spicer says they'll have an announcement about that this week probably maybe, but they'll probably forget about that because "Tech Week" will be such a smashing success nobody will want to talk about anything else besides that.

And it's over! Please read the statement below and find some dollars in your heart to give to Wonkette, as a thank you for liveblogging this at you.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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