Liveblogging the LAST GOP Debate (Until the Next One, Which Is Soon)
Welcome to the last GOP presidential debate of ...eh, "tonight" is about all we can say for certain these days. UGH. Here's a preview: Newt Gingrich will sneer at some minority and the audience will gnaw its fingers off with excitement, Mitt Romney will be asked to compare and contrast the feeling of wiping his ass with a fifty versus a hundred dollar bill, Rick Santorum will suckle his microphone, and oh yeah, probably Ron Paul will also be there as well to say, WARS ARE BAD, bless him. Here's the video stream for those of you who are still sober enough to operate the keys on your computer, aren't you the responsible ones. HERE WE GO!
20:04 -- Wolf Blitzer explains we are here to let the GOP candidates explain why they would make a better president of the United States than Barack Obama. Everyone in the audience with Alzheimer's thanks Wolf Blitzer for explaining what the hell is going on. Everyone else is wondering if Wolf Blitzer is maybe suffering from Alzheimer's.
20:06 -- Rick Santorum is winning the contest for closing eyes the hardest during the singing of the national anthem. Don't cry yet, Rick, Jesus. Wait till Newt gets in a few zingers first.
20:08 -- Wolf Blitzer asks the candidates to "introduce themselves to the voters of Florida" in case they have forgotten who the hell these people are or that there's an election going since the last debate in Florida three days ago, on Monday. Wolf also gives an example of how to form an introduction in a sentence, repeat after him: "I'm Wolf Blitzer and I'm excited to be here in Florida." FOREHEAD SLAP.
20:11 -- SNOOOOORRRRRRE "Blitz" is going to open the debate with a softball "how much do you hate illegal aliens and what is your plan for strapping them to rockets and sending them back to space" question.
20:15 -- Ha ha, Newt just said you need to be "realistic in your indignation." Apparently Mitt Romney is the person who is being unrealistic.
20:18 -- Hm. So we're going to be seeing a role reversal tonight. Mitt screams at Newt Gingrich: "THAT'S INEXCUSABLE. THAT'S INEXCUSABLE. MY FATHER WAS A MESSICAN." Audience busts into wild, sustained applause (?).
20:21 -- Wolf Blitzer wakes up from a brief nap HEY THERE HE IS AGAIN and asks Newt Gingrich why he called Spanish the "language of the ghetto." Newt looks around the room and talks about linguistics. Newt only meant "ghetto" in the linguistic sense -- you know, a linguistic ghetto. Who has never heard of one of those?
20:24 -- Did Ron Paul just propose to lift the trade embargo with Cuba? PSSSSST RON PAUL, you are in SOUTH FLORIDA. THEY DON'T LIKE THE CASTROS. Seven or so people applaud.
20:26 -- Rick Santorum has just articulated in the course of a couple sentences essentially the complete opposite of the reality of the Obama administration's relationship with Central and South America. Among other things, he accuses Obama of having sided "with Chavez and Castro" during the coup in Honduras, which in this case would have meant he unconditionally supported ousted leftist Manuel Zelaya when he tried to alter the country's constitution to allow himself to run for another presidential term and was exiled. Obama never fully supported Zelaya's return from exile and ultimately did not support Zelaya at all. Just sayin'.
20:31 -- Whoops! Newt Gingrich adamantly declares he did "NO CONSULTING" for Freddie Mac. What did you do then, Newt? "I mean, I mean, NO LOBBYING, NO LOBBYING." Mitt Romney leaps in to yell, NO TAKEBACKS.
20:32 -- Oh god, the millionaires are fighting with each other over whose money is dirtier. This would have been solved by a duel in the olden days, when cool stuff was still allowed.
20:34 -- Newt Gingrich to Mitt Romney: you are a little bitch and you made money off other people's misery. Mitt Romney to Newt Gingrich: you are a fat bitch who LIES about his Freddie Mac contracts. That's the entire last four minutes of this debate.
20:35 -- DOKTOR RON PAUL to the rescue with a little perspective: "This argument is stupid." Hear hear.
20:37 -- Rick Santorum tries on righteous indignation for size: "GOD CAN WE STOP TALKING ABOUT MITT ROMNEY'S WEALTH. LEAVE HIM ALONE." Aw, rich white guy solidarity!
20:39 -- Oh a commercial break. South Florida is on the phone buying bulk catheters right now, we will get a beverage.
20:42 -- Oh for fuck's sake. Newt Gingrich withers on the stage when Wolf Blitzer prods him to yell at Mittens for having a Swiss bank account like he has been doing in all the teevee commercials. "Uh, that's what attack ads are for, not debates," whines Newt. He gets booed.
20:44 -- Mitt Romney explains he is rich, again, in response to Newt Gingrich not asking and then timidly asking him about his dirty Swiss bank account. Newt Gingrich wusses out and tries to declare a truce after this. The audience boos, claps, then boos again. They are so confused. Are they supposed to be happy or sad that Mitt Romney has so much money?
20:46 -- KAIA MURSI chimes in: "Newt's hair is looking extra Callista-ed today." Too true. We would like to note his striped tie is not having a slimming effect, either.
20:47 -- Ron Paul rambles about the 16th amendment for a while and then out pops this conclusion: "Welfare helps the wealthy." Sure, Ron Paul!
20:49 -- Ron Paul challenges every one of the pussies on stage with him to a 25 mile run or bike ride or something, in Texas heat, which he will win. Newt giggles nervously. What, is he serious?
20:52 -- Twitter has finally produced the first intelligent question in this debate, God help us: "Newt, how are you going to keep taxes low and build a moon base in eight years?" Newt: "I'd like to have an American on the moon before the Chinese get there." SO HE IS A MOON LANDING TRUTHER?
20:55 -- Ron Paul gets best laugh line of the night so far: "I don't think we should go to the moon. I think we should send some politicians there, though."
20:56 -- BLAH BLAH BLAH the universe moves to rule Newt Gingrich's moon base idea stupid, motion passed.
20:57 -- Ha ha, Newt Gingrich wants the private sector to take over space exploration and to get rid of NASA. Mitt Romney: "No corporation would ever get my permission to spend hundreds of billions of dollars to try to build a moon base. Newt, you're fired."
21:00 -- RON PAUL swoops in to pile on and fact-check Newt: You are a huge liar and you never actually balanced the budget, you're full of shit. Newt sweats a bit, takes a sip of his water. Tries to respond, gets booed.
21:01 -- OH HEY, Rick Santorum, he's still here! Oh yeah, this guy Barack Obama is still in charge of the country, remember him? Why isn't anyone talking about that guy?
21:02 -- Woah, good job CNN producers. They managed to find a lady dressed like one of those men who dress like ladies. She's got some kind of huge fake bear pelt wrapped around her leopard print shirt, is what we were trying to say. "Why am I not allowed to have health care?" she wants to know. Good question, but even better outfit.
21:05 -- Mitt Romney explains how he will give everyone health care by doing the exact same thing that Obamacare does, but it's not Obamacare.
21:09 -- Rick Santorum disagrees with whatever Mitt Romney just said. Gawd, are we still making Mitt Romney explain through clenched teeth how Romneycare was different from Obamacare? Just let him say it was and then let's all move on from this obligatory three-minute part of every single debate and Rick Santorum's obligatory two-minute screaming response explaining how it's the right of the people to die uninsured and miserable.
21:11 -- KAIA MURSI chimes in: "newt's acai-goji berry supplements are now available at healthtransformation.net, a totally credible sounding site."
21:12 -- Mitt Romney leans over and tells Rick Santorum to take a chill pill after Santorum starts hyperventilating on stage as he explains how awful it was that one time that everyone in Massachusetts got health care. Santorum cannot hear it. Screamy screamy! We give it another 30 seconds before Rick Santorum passes out from lack of oxygen.
21:17 -- UH-OH, Newt just gave away the Veep spot he promised Sarah Palin to Marco Rubio!
21:18 -- Come on, Ron Paul. The question was, "name one hispanic politician you like." He fails, because of racism.
21:21 -- Ha ha, Wolf wants to know why each candidate believes his wife would make the best First Lady. Every single person on stage's response will be a shot at Newt Gingrich.
21:23 -- Ron Paul: My wife was good at being pregnant.
21:24 -- Mitt Romney: My wife seems far more human than I do. She gets illnesses like a regular human.
21:25 -- Newt Gingrich: Which one? (HAHAHAHA that was Kaia's joke, we laughed.)
21:27 -- Rick Santorum will take this opportunity to shill a book his wife wrote about their jar baby.
21:28 -- Wolf Blitzer: Okay enough of all that, let's all try to get back to the debate now. Wolf, you are the one who asked the question, remember?
21:29 -- Newt Gingrich: if you unzip me in back, Ronald Reagan's corpse is curled up inside me like a mummy in a sarcophagus.
21:33 -- Note to Rick Santorum on U.S. - Latin America relations: NORIEGA IS NOT IN CHARGE OF PANAMA, HE IS DEAD. BARACK OBAMA CANNOT APPEASE HIM. Also, Rick Santorum is "against" Cuba. Blow it up.
21:34 -- Ron Paul gets an applause line for politely suggesting that the embargo against Cuba hurts the people of Cuba more than it accomplishes much else.
21:42 -- A Palestinian-American man stands up to let everyone know he does, in fact, exist. GAH OUR INTERNET IS DROPPING OUT. TELL US WHAT HAPPENED NEXT, KAIA: "Mitt Romney tells the guy there isn't an inch of difference between Israel and the United States. NOT EVEN ROOM FOR THE HOLY GHOST?" No, apparently not.
21:45 -- A lady from Jacksonville asks how religious beliefs would inform each candidate's leadership. Mittens strains to poop out two minutes' worth of words that do not include "Mormon."
21:47 -- Oh goody it's Newt's turn to respond: "Belief is about more than an hour on Sundays." It's more like hawt extramarital sex with your intern for an hour every day except Sunday, right, Newt?
21:49 -- Rick Santorum is a theocrat, did you know? He will explain something to you, very slowly in case you are stupid: "We were endowed with certain inalienable rights by our CREEAAAAATOORRRR."
21:53 -- FINAL DEBATE QUESTION. THANK TLALOC.
21:54 -- MORE INTERNET PROBLEMZ, STUPID CAFE WI-FI. Hang in there, we're almost done. How does each candidate plan to beat Barack Obama? Ron Paul: Polls suggest I am more electable than Barack Obama. (Woah! Those are some good drugs, doktor.) Mitt Romney: I am exactly the same as Barack Obama, but I wear magic underwear. Newt Gingrich: Food stamps. Saul Alinksy. History. Reagan. Rick Santorum: Global warming is fake.
21:55 -- AND THAT WAS IT? Yes, that was it. We declare the woman in the furry coat the winner of tonight's debate. BUENAS NOCHES.