Liz Cheney Knows Real U.S. American Patriots Love Old Dick

If you loved last year's op-ed in the Wall Street Journal, by Dick Cheney and his evil spawn Liz, about why OBAMA SUX, you'll be quite aroused in your privates to know that they have written a whole entire book about why OBAMA SUX. It is an expansion on their ongoing dialogue with each other that the Cheney administration was AWESOMEBALLS, and it is the fault of President B. Hussein Sucksalot that Gee Dubya Bush destabilized the entire Middle East by invading Iraq because of his own daddy issues, which led to the rise of even worser terrorist organizations like ISIS. It sounds like a real fun book, if you're into historical fiction. (We do not know if Mrs. Mama Lynne Cheney contributed any HAWT lesbian sex scenes, sorry.)

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The Cheneys appeared on "CBS Sunday Morning" for a good and proper reach-around to promote their news book, which is called Exceptional: Why The World Needs A Powerful America, Or Why Obama SUX Even Some More! (At least the CBS interviewer dude acknowledges that the book is published by Simon & Schuster, a division of CBS, so we know the reason for this ridiculous daddy-daughter fluff piece. It is to sell the book, duh.)

Cheney, says the CBS fluffer, sure is looking handsome and virile these days, thanks to the heart he stole years ago to replace his broken one, which was no longer up to the task of pumping all that toxic sludge through his veins. And, because no one could ever tire of hearing about What Does 9/11 Mean To Dick, even 14 years later, we get to learn an exciting new fun fact about how Dick Cheney used to be a chillax lovable cuddle bear, before the dark times. Says Dick:

It's been alleged by some of my friends that 9/11 did change Cheney. That when he was secretary of defense in the first Bush administration, he was a warm, pleasant, lovable fellow. Then he became more of a hard rock afterwards. And I think that's probably true. It changed the way I looked at the world.

How true this is! He's more machine now than man. His mind is twisted and evil. Like, for example, before 9/11, Cheney looked at the world and could see that invading Iraq was a real BAD IDEA that America should definitely not do because of how we'd be stuck there forever and it would cost a trazillion dollars and also lots of lives, and that would be cats-and-dogs-living-together BAD, as he advised some other president named Bush. But after 9/11, Cheney looked at the world and said, "I want to go to there." So we did. And it worked out just as well as pre-9/11 Cheney had once predicted.

And now, for similar reasons that turned out to be completely wrong, we should invade Iran too, according to Liz and her daddy, which is why they had to write this book, this "necessary criticism," Liz calls it. Lord knows no one else has been out there saying OBAMA SUX, nonstop, at all the Republican hootenannies since, oh, say, January 2009; and on every single Sunday show every single week; and on Fox News, 29.5 hours a day; and on all the rightwing radio shows; and in every congressional bill introduced by a Republican calling for the investigation of how exactly OBAMA SUX; and in the countless emails you certainly by now have learned to automatically mark as spam from your nutso uncle's account.

But other than that, yeah, no one is talking about how OBAMA SUX like the Cheneys, so that's why they needed to write this book, see, to explain just how and why OBAMA SUX on a range of topics, from OBAMA SUX on not cleaning up the Bush administration's war in Iraq to OBAMA SUX on making a deal with Iran because it will lead to the first use of a nuclear weapon since Hiroshima and Nagasaki, although Liz hedges that they only write it "may" lead to that, so just in case they're wrong, you can't say they were wrong, but y'all better listen to them and do exactly what they say, because they're probably right, like always.

And Republican presidential candidates are listening to all of the Cheneys' OBAMA SUX: Iran Edition, according to the CBS fluffer, which obligates us to take this brief intermission to laugh, again, at dumb Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio, who in July whined that it was Not Classy of President Obama to criticize Republicans for criticizing him for not consulting Dick Cheney on the Iran deal because, derped Rubio, "I mean, what does Dick Cheney — what does that have to do with anything that’s going on?" Perhaps if Rubio spent a little less time on the campaign trail and a little more time in Washington DC, where his job is, he'd know just how much Republicans are still soaking up all of Dick Cheney's "wisdom."

But we digress.

Is Dick Cheney still a big fan of torture? Dude, torture is not the preferred nomenclature. Enhanced interrogation, please:

First of all, it wasn't torture. Waterboarding, for example. Torture. That was the most egregious thing that we did, supposedly, in the enhanced interrogation program.

Yeah, waterboarding was pretty egregious, although we still cannot bleach from our brains the "rectal feeding" and "rectal hydration" described in the Senate's report on the CIA's torture program -- wherein prisoners were anally raped (sorry, "infused") with pureed hummus and nuts. Which Cheney has also insisted is not torture.

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But listen. After all these years, Cheney is still confident that every single thing his administration did was right and good and that is how he prevented 9/11 and quickly and decisively win the war in Iraq. And being an unapologetic asshole is, as Obama sadly fails to understand, all part of the job:

If you’re just nothing but warmth and friendliness and so forth, you seriously can’t deal with the kinds of issues I’ve had to deal with over the years, and that I wanted to deal with. It’s almost, I think, if you are criticism-free, then you’re probably not doing your job.

And that lack of warmth and general dickishness, says his daughter, is what she loves most about her daddy:

I know of no one who has been more courageous and dedicated and honorable than my dad, in terms of being willing to say, "This is absolutely what we have to do, this is the right thing to do," you know sometimes when nobody else was willing to do it.

Yes, it's a real admirable quality in a man to insist that killing and torturing people is "absolutely" the right thing to do, even when all the experts say, "Actually, no that's going to make things worse," and those experts turn out to be right.

The most touching moment of this intimate family interview is when Liz turns to her dad and says:

I know for all of us who love you the gratitude as Americans that we feel is matched only by our love for you.

Awww, that's sweet. Those of us who know that doing war to all the countries and doing enhanced anal infusion to all the prisoners is ABSOLUTELY the best way to maintain our American values know that Dick Cheney is World's Best Dad and Also Greatest Asshole, But In A Good Way. And if you don't love Dick and all he's done for us, well, you probably do not even love this country, DO YOU OBAMA?

Also, Liz? Get help.

[h/t Rawstory]


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