LOL Rudy Giuliani, It's So Much Worse For You Than We Thought!

We had just finished telling you about the true fact that Rudy Giuliani is being investigated by the Southern District of New York (SDNY), which he used to be the boss of, when mere hours later more news started pouring out about all the things he is being investigated for. Spoiler alert, it is so much worse than we thought!

What we knew yesterday was that the feds were looking at whether Giuliani broke lobbying laws in his dirty dealings in Ukraine, specifically regarding his efforts to get former ambassador Marie Yovanovitch removed. Giuliani's defense seemed to be that NUH UH, he wasn't doing illegal lobbying for the Ukrainians, he was doing illegal lobbying TO them for Donald Trump, in the illegal scheme to get Ukraine to meddle in the 2020 election on Donald Trump's behalf. That is a whole different section of the criminal code and former US attorney Rudy Giuliani is gonna need you to GET IT RIGHT.

The Wall Street Journalreports on how expansive this seems to be:

Federal prosecutors in Manhattan are examining Rudy Giuliani's business dealings in Ukraine, including his finances, meetings and work for a city mayor there, according to people familiar with the matter.

Investigators also have examined Mr. Giuliani's bank records, according to the people.

Uh oh! And they of course want to know about the scheme involving his trusty companions Chucklefuck One and Chucklefuck Two, part of which had to do with getting Yovanovitch removed to clear the way for Trump and Giuliani to extort Ukraine to investigate the Bidens in order to help Trump's re-elect. All in all, a nice day in Rudy Giuliani's world.

The Wall Street Journal takes us through a couple of Giuliani's very weird Ukrainian business Art Of The Deals. For instance, there was the time in 2017 when his company did a contract with the Ukrainian city of Kharkiv to help it "streamline municipal emergency services." Who paid Rudy? Not the city of Kharkiv! Rather, it was some dude whose last name is Fuks. Pavel Fuks, to be specific.

We don't know exactly what that means -- maybe they needed some fire trucks and Rudy Giuliani was running around Ukraine like WEEEEE-OOOOO-WEEEEE-OOOOO! (that is a fire truck sound) and this guy Fuks just wrote him a check then and there. Also we aren't sure the city of Kharkiv got the shit the oligarch paid the idiot for.

Wonkette has remarked on Fuks in the past, primarily to say "LOL that guy's last name is Fuks." He's a Ukrainian oligarch in the gas and real estate businesses, who paid a go-between $200,000 to go to Donald Trump's inauguration, but then he got bad seats and he got very Fuks-ing ANGRY about it and made threats to "tear him apart" the guy who got him the bad seats. (The guy who pleaded guilty to being the go-between in Robert Mueller's investigation was a Paul Manafort associate named Sam Patten.)

Here he is with his Fuks-ing friend Rudy Giuliani, who is being investigated by the office he used to run:

Another trivia fact about Pavel Fuks (an alternate spelling is "Fuchs," if you think that's funnier) is that he once worked with Donald Trump on a licensing deal for a garbage tower in Moscow, but it didn't work out, because a consistent feature of life is that if Trump tries to do a garbage tower in Moscow, it will fail, but he's gonna still probably end up compromised anyway.

So that is just a good example of one of Rudy Giuliani's weird business dealings.

And here comes Reuters with another one! Did you know that Lev Parnas, one of the Chucklefucks in BIG TROUBLE MISTER, had his company pay Rudy Giuliani's company $500,000 in American dollars for what Reuters is referring to as "consulting"? Yes, Wonkette will also call it "consulting," because what else would it be?

Giuliani said Parnas' company, Boca Raton-based Fraud Guarantee, whose website says it aims to help clients "reduce and mitigate fraud", engaged Giuliani Partners, a management and security consulting firm, around August 2018. Giuliani said he was hired to consult on Fraud Guarantee's technologies and provide legal advice on regulatory issues. [...]

Giuliani told Reuters the money came in two payments made within weeks of each other. He said he could not recall the dates of the payments. He said most of the work he did for Fraud Guarantee was completed in 2018 but that he had been doing follow-up for over a year.

So a totally legit company called "Fraud Guarantee" (based in Boca, where the legit companies are!) paid Rudy Giuliani 500Gs for God knows what, made in two lump sums two weeks apart. That just sounds like some really legit business-ing! Of course, the indictment of Lev Parnas and Igor Fruman mentions a mysterious Russian benefactor, is it possible that some of Giuliani's money came from there?

Giuliani said he was confident that the money he received was from "a domestic source," but he would not say where it came from.

"I know beyond any doubt the source of the money is not any questionable source," he told Reuters in an interview. "The money did not come from foreigners. I can rule that out 100%," he said.

Rudy Giuliani has no fucking clue where the money came from but he knows it was American money, because LOOK AT IT, THERE IS BENJAMIN FRANKLIN ALL OVER THE MONEY, CASE CLOSED!

Stay tuned, the Rudy dirt has only just begun to leak. Wheeeeeeee!

[Wall Street Journal / Reuters]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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