Look How Obama Ruined The GOP Primaries With All These New Jobs
Well, ferret nuts. Guess the GOP is going to have to figure out another reason to claim President Obama is the worst President Obama who ever presidented like a common Obama. After years of calling Obamacare a "job-killer" and promising that if we just give Republicans another shot to fuck up America some more, they'll magically get gas prices almost as low as where they have actually been under President Obama, and they'll get the unemployment rate back down to a reasonable, fiscally conservative 6 percent -- well, you know where this is going, right?
Today we learned that private-sector employment rose by 268,000 jobs in October. Our businesses have now added 13.5 million jobs over 68 straight months, extending the longest streak on record. The unemployment rate ticked down to 5.0 percent in October—its lowest level since April 2008—with stable labor force participation. Wages continued to rise; average hourly earnings for all private employees have now risen 2.5 percent over the past year, the fastest pace achieved since 2009. [...] Overall, our economy has created 8.0 million jobs over the past thirty-six months, the fastest pace since 2000.
If that chunk of dry numbers is TL;DR for you, here's what it looks like:
Naturally, we assume the White House faked these numbers to distract us from the most godawful thing the president did, whatever it is, that he'd rather we pay no attention to, so look here at this shiny jobs report instead. If for some reason these numbers are not a hoax, we expect Fox News to explain to us why this latest jobs report is, once again, bad news for America.
If you want to be get down with your nerd self, and study a buncha numbers and statistics and charts and graphs, you can read all the blah blah from the White House explaining in detail why more jobs, and lower unemployment rates, is a good thing. Also, WATCH THIS SPACE for a Wonksplainer, to splain it all you, Wonk style. (That means with dick jokes, duh.)
Or we could just point and laugh at some more pictures that make some very pointed points, like so:
Now, we are aware that these numbers are meh, compared with the YOOOOGE numbers promised by Republicans. And since we all know -- thanks, Fox News! -- that everything that happens in the American economy is the direct result of President Obama rollin' out of bed to hippity-hop to the golf course, we are certain conservatives across Real America are booking their flights to Washington DC this very second, to deliver blowjobs and flowers to the president, for rescuing America's disastrous unemployment from the som'Bush who tanked America's economy in the first place: President Dick Cheney.
Let us hope gas prices don't drop any lower while President Obama is still cleaning up his predecessor's messy "accidents" in the corner of the Oval Office, because then we're really doomed.