Los Angeles Wonkers: Here Is Your Golden Opportunity To Get The Stupidest Man On The Internet To #PayUp
Hey, kids, doesn't a Three Hours' Hate sound like a fun way to spend a Saturday morning in the Greater Los Angeles Area? Jim Hoft, the Stupidest Man On the Internet, will be one of the headliners at this Rage-a-Palooza aimed at telling the Lamestream Media to finally start telling the truth for a change! (You know, Benghazi and the traitor in the White House, that sort of thing.) So the Ragers will be probably be gathering to tell off Big Media at one of the many corporate headquarters in the area, right? Yep, right there at...the Federal Building in Westwood. Oh, we get it -- the media are mere mouthpieces for Big Gummint, right, so they're going to yell at a closed government office building. Message sent!
Featured screamers will include these minor-league wingnut luminaries, for whom we have conveniently included Wonkette Rap Sheets:
- Tony Katz, the teabagger radio guy who thinks people in bridge collapses should man up and swim, not wait for "rescue."
- Kira Davis, the 20th-hottest conservative woman on a list of 20 Hot Conservative Women.
- Ann Marie Murrell, a blogger who loves Michele Bachmann's work to "root out things like Islam in America" but is terrified that "you’re not allowed to say, 'They’re here!' without being threatened." The "threat" she worried about? People ridiculing Bachmann.
- Gary Graham, a gentleman who acted in Alien Nation and Star Trek: Enterprise, and who blogged at Breitbart's Big Hollywood as "One Pissed-Off Dude" back in 2009 about how he is Oppressed by all the liberals in Hollywood.
- Andrew Marcus, the director of the very brilliant documentary "Hating Breitbart" and a bit player in the Great Jim Hoft Owes Wonkette $3150 Scandal of 2013.
In addition, there will be a bunch of other shouters we've never heard of, including a "comedian" (we don't want to know) and "our POET LAUREATE," Kender MacGowan, whose actual poetry is pretty hard to find online, though we did find this surreal narrative in haiku from 2009. We can't quote the whole thing, sadly, but here's a sample; emphasis in original:
Produces twisted thinking
Childhood is lost
Fear not peruser
Fiction of the mind is here
Big Bird is still pure
Elmo screams aloud
But his pleas fall on deaf ears
Bert and Ernie laugh
Floor creaks in the night
Big Bird heaves a lustful sigh
Elmo screams again
Big Bird loads his gun
Dropping ratings threaten job
Like flies in a mist of Raid
Big Bird must reload
Somehow, the whole mess ends up in this final stanza:
President of The U.S.
I am not joking
Damn the electric fence! Damn the electric fence! Thank you.
But you know who else will be attending?
We certainly hope that L.A.-area Wonkette Operatives will join us, especially if they're all carrying signs saying "JIM HOFT YOU STILL OWE WONKETTE $3150 #PAYUP and also #PAYTHEFUCKUP."
Your editrix could not write this post, as her brain got too splodey. Just to review, let Facts be submitted to a candid world:
- Hoft pledged $3000 to "Elizabeth Warren’s favorite minority women’s support group" for "evidence that there were “Nazi symbols” at any of the Tea Party rallies" back in May. Supporters added another $150 to the "challenge."
- Wonkette found evidence and said, hey, #payup dude! Also, we are very feminist, and supportive.
- Hoft then changed the text in his original post to say the signs had to be "carried approvingly" We have screenshots. After retroactively changing the terms of the challenge, Hoft demanded an apology.
- Wonkette replied and noted that Jim Hoft is a lying fuckmoron who owes us $3150 and needs to #payup.
- Jim Hoft now thinks we owe him money for him being wrong and lying. So far, he hasn't gone back to change his original post to say that he's wagering $3000 on the question, but we wouldn't be the least bit surprised.
We need Wonkette operatives to show up for this thing, all right, and how about we throw in the incentive of a follow-up Drinky Thing as an after party? (Details TBA, BYO trucknutz.)
Hoft's Rage Thing gets started at 10 AM Saturday August 17 at the northwest lawn of the Federal Building, 11000 Wilshire Blvd, Westwood CA. Dress as your favorite Founding Father or Deconstructionist critic.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.