Loser Trump Can't Get Book Deal, Can't Blog, Not Allowed To Tweet, Is Basically Worthless

Gonna need y'all to suspend your disbelief for a minute, and refrain from saying this post is pointless because Donald Trump is not physically capable of writing a "book." We know everything he's ever "written" was ghostwritten by another human. Hell, the person who wrote Art Of The Deal fuckin' HAAAATES Donald Trump.

At one point Trump tried to get his niece Mary Trump, who also hates him, to ghostwrite a book for him. Trouble was, she couldn't figure out what the hell it was that he did all day, so we guess the "Donald Trump At Work" chapters presented some challenges. One day he told her he had some TREMENDOUS content to share that she could put in the book, and it was some kind of rambling recorded monologue he made about women he wanted to have sex with, but who rebuffed his advances, replete with commentary about the thickness of Katarina Witt's calves. (As Wonkette asked at the time, "How dare she have strong legs! What is she, the greatest figure skater of all time or something?")

So no, Donald Trump will not be writing a book anytime soon, or ever.

But apparently he won't be having one ghostwritten for him either, because Politico reports that it is a true fact that no actual publishing house is willing to give him a book deal. That's right, the immediate former president of the United States has been deemed by Big Book to be unqualified for a book deal of any kind.

"[I]t would be too hard to get a book that was factually accurate, actually," said one major figure in the book publishing industry, explaining their reluctance to publish Trump. "That would be the problem. If he can't even admit that he lost the election, then how do you publish that?"

You could publish it under the "fantasy" genre. You could call it The Hobbit! Or ... The Little Prince! Oh wait, those titles are taken.

Politico notes that this situation is "unheard of," but then again, America's never had such a loser for a president. Politico says "absence of Trump's own words from the literary world," and then we couldn't finish reading that sentence because we were laughing too hard.

Noted New York Times reporter Habes McGillicuddy says Trump is very mad about all this, especially the part where Mike Pence gets to write a book — two books, in fact! Simon & Schuster is a fucking idiot — but he doesn't:

But no! According to the one-inch mouth-hole of Trump spox Jason Miller, he's not mad that Pence gets to write down his memoir:

[H]is spokesperson Jason Miller insisted that he was "fine with it" and had "no issues."


The same day, Trump had (almost certainly lied and) said he had so many offers for book deals he was sick of book deals:

"I turned down two book deals, from the most unlikely of publishers, in that I do not want to do such a deal right now."

Donald Trump's book deal goes to a different school. You don't know his book deal. Also he didn't take that book deal.

"I'm writing like crazy anyway."

Person, woman, man, camera, TV. There's five words right there!

"When the time comes, you'll see the book of all books."


"Actually, I've been working on a much more important project right now!"

Well, we guess he has an extra 15 minutes a day now that he's shuttered his LiveJournal.

Monday, Trump clarified that "two of the biggest and most prestigious publishing houses have made very substantial offers which I have rejected." Politico checked with the biggest and most prestigious publishing houses and five out of five of them said no, they have not offered Trump a book deal, and "most said they wouldn't touch a Trump project when he does start shopping a book around."

Let's remember, though, that when Trump claims to have gotten offers from BIGGEST AND MOST PRESTIGIOUS publishing houses, this is also a man who refers to people like Rudy Giuliani and the MyPillow guy as "highly respected." Whenever Trump says somebody or something is HIGHLY RESPECTED, they are usually the absolute laughingstock of their profession, a criminal, or both.

Or as one of Politico's sources put it:

"It's likely that a few unlikely people did approach him!" one industry source said in a text message, before adding a joke. "But that could be, like, a publisher in Zimbabwe," they texted, with a laughing/crying emoji.

Maybe Donald Trump's book can be one of the YouTubes the MyPillow guy prints out!

More book industry people texting Politico and kicking the loser while he's down:

Another said that they were confident that some people did write to Trump after he left the White House to offer him a book deal, which would instantly put any conservative imprint on the map.

"Somebody could have offered him 100 dollars," the person said. "It doesn't mean anything."

"I'm skeptical," added another publishing insider when asked if they believed Trump's statement that he had gotten two offers. "He's screwed over so many publishers that before he ran for president none of the big 5 would work with [him] anymore."

Once again, we are talking about the immediate former president of the United States.

Who is banned from Twitter.

And Facebook.

And didn't have the work ethic for "blog."

And is under criminal investigation in more than one state.

And is so lonely he's showing up to memorials at Mar-a-Lago — yes, memorials — to beg for attention.

Yesterday was his 75th birthday. Does anyone even care?


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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