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Greetings, fellow conservative Christian Americans! We are gathered here today because it is the sexxxiest, most holiest weekend of the year, like even more holier than when Jesus tooketh the sins of the world upon Him, was crucified, died and was buried, and on the third day was raised again. Yes, that's right, it's time for the VALUES VOTER SUMMIT. You see, every year, a diverse group of white wingnuts descends upon Washington DC, to set up booths, yell about how much they hate Obama and the gays, and in the process completely fucking crash Grindr, because lots of Values Voter types are closet cases, OR SO WE HAVE HEARD.

And the event has kicked off in grand fashion, with Rep. Louie Gohmert of Texas, who is so smart he is probably president of the congressional chapter of MENSA, saying Hillary Clinton is "mentally impaired" and has "special needs" and basically every other thing he could say that isn't spelled "R-E-T-A-R-D-E-D." And the crowd loved it! They laughed and giggled, especially because Gohmert was actin' silly, makin' like he was giving everyone a lesson in Christian kindness.

Really.

A true believer does what Jesus did ... you know, you don't make fun of people who are impaired, have special needs, and whether you like her or not, HIllary Clinton has made clear she is mentally impaired.

BIG LAFFS!

This is not somebody you should be making fun of! So, I get the impression that in law school and along the way, she's been very, very smart, but I don't know, maybe it was the concussion, the fall back ... or maybe, who knows? They won't tell us what's really going on with her. But, if I were going to smash cell phones, Blackberrys, I'd use a two-pound sledge, I think that's the most ... well who knows, maybe somebody got to whalin' around and hit her again, I don't know, but ...

MORE BIG LAFFS!

But we need to be praying for Hillary Clinton, there's special needs there, there's mental impairment, and I mean seriously, she can't remember ... and I made the mistake, I got that stupid song in my head that Rush Limbaugh used to play, and it was to the tune "Try To Remember," and it was Hillary Clinton saying, "I don't remember, my brain's in a blender" ...

So, anyway earlier this week when I was on "Fox & Friends," that stupid line came back and so it ends up bein' a headline, that I said Hillary's brain is in a blender. But, anyway, that was not a proper thing to say because again, I'm making fun of the mentally impaired and that's not right.

It's just un-Christian!

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/605279/what-is-hillary-clinton-dying-from-today"></a>[/wonkbar]What an inspiring message, and what a lovely way to drag the Son of God into right-wing Hillary conspiracy theories without His consent! It's become established doctrine on the far right that Hillary Clinton, despite all evidence to the contrary, is dying and that her brain is broken. We all know this. But up until now, the losers of the alt-right and wingnutty evangelical Christians haven't been Biblesplained that, even if that is true, it's downright un-Christlike to make fun of her for it, for it is not her fault! They should put her on their prayer lists instead.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/602333/louie-gohmert-pretty-sure-space-queers-wouldnt-be-very-good-at-saving-humanity"></a>[/wonkbar]Thank goodness Louie Gohmert, the world's Christian-iest Christian, is around to lead his people in the ways of the Lord. He always does this, too, like the time he sexplained that we wouldn't be able to save humanity if we tried to populate a new planet with a buncha queers, or the time he said trans kids shouldn't be able to use bathrooms that match their gender identities, because that would have given Louie a HUGE boner when he was a young boy. Or the time he said it would be an insult to Dr. King's legacy to encourage girls to pursue careers in the sciences, which is true because nowhere in any of King's speeches does the phrase "scientists with vaginas" appear, and we checked just now to be sure!

The point is that Louie Gohmert is a perfect, godly example of what a Values Voter looks like, and we look forward to hearing what the rest of the perfect, godly speakers (and Donald Trump, supposedly speaking Friday afternoon!) have to teach us about WWJD over the course of this weekend.

[Right Wing Watch]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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