LOUIE GOHMERT WILL NOT HAVE YEW SCIENCIN' HIS ASPARAGUS ABOUT CORONAVIRUS
If you are a friend or a family or a loved one or a mailman of Texas GOP Congressman Louie Gohmert, you should probably stay at least six feet from him right now. No, like, more than you usually (probably) do. If you can smell him, you are too close. If you see that thing up there coming toward you, maybe holding a chart and yammering about "the anal opening," back away slowly and wash your body ASAP. Again, we mean more than you usually would.
Point is, just like approximately every other batshit Republican, Gohmert was exposed to a coronavirus person at C(oronavirus)PAC in Washington, which ended 10 days ago. However Gohmert, always eager to find a way to make himself stand out as the stupidest in a crowd of verified stupids, has decided not to do what all his fellow stupids are doing, and will not be self-quarantining.
Dumbass congress-dentist Paul Gosar is in self-quarantine, and you might ask "from what?" since his entire family declined to endorse him for re-election, which doesn't make us think people are just clamoring to get in his personal space. Anyway, he is being very existential about it. Matt Gaetz is in self-quarantine, which he announced about an hour after he got finished doing whatever he does with Trump on Air Force One. Ted Cruz is jerking off into even emptier soup cans than usual (allegedly!) in Texas. Trump's new chief of staff Mark Meadows is in self-quarantine, because after all, Trump ain't need no fuckin' chief of staff anyway, he's got this. Even Doug Collins, the congressman from "Hee Haw," who touched Trump on his body very recently, is in self-quarantine.
But not Louie!
Gohmert was exposed on February 27, so he's just about out of the woods. And he's asymptomatic, but then again, a hell of a lot of people exposed to COVID-19 are asymptomatic, even as they run the risk of blowing the virus all over their pals. (According to science, average incubation for COVID-19 is five days before people start showing symptoms, and most people will develop symptoms within 11.5 days.)
Maybe Gohmert has been watching Fox News, and thus knows this is all a Deep State Democrat hoax anyway, just like everything else is a Deep State Democrat hoax. Maybe he's pretty sure the so-called CDC scientists are lying, because Louie Gohmert dunnot like science, and besides, Louie Gohmert heard the virus came from animals, but he he hasn't personally banged any caribou lately, therefore it's UNPOSSIBLE he has the #CoronaCrotch. Moreover, he hasn't touched "the snail darter, various lizards, the lesser prairie chicken, the greater sage grouts and so many other insects," or if he did, he made them wear a condom, so ... allegedly! ... so ...
And he hasn't rubbed up against any space-queers lately, so ...
LOOK, IT'S FINE, and Louie Gohmert WILL NOT HAVE YEW SCIENCIN' HIS ASPARAGUS.
Also not having his asparagus scienced is Donald Trump. White House comms dipshit Stephanie Grisham announced on Monday that Trump hasn't been tested for COVID-19, because he hasn't had "prolonged close contact" with any Sicky McGrossGross-es, and therefore he is fine, even though he is obviously very scared the Deep State is going to get on Air Force One with him and give him the virus, and even though he, the germaphobe, has been openly touching people.
Of course, the president has been calling his friends — science friends, probably — to see what they think about this coronavirus:
Some friends have told Trump that the coronavirus does not seem like a major threat, noting that they don't know anyone in their communities who has been infected. Some also have sought to flatter Trump by saying that unlike the two septuagenarians running for the Democratic nomination — Joe Biden and Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) — Trump, 73, is so healthy that he is not personally at particular risk, according to a senior administration official.
Like we said, science friends. The kind that tell him if he just ate fewer Big Macs and injected less lard directly into his veins, that he might literally live forever. The kind who tell him he's not obese. The kind who clap their hands and cheer when he correctly identifies "camel."
It's all fine.
And if it's not fine, well, ye shall reap what ye have sown with your stinky Republican poop hands, at least that's what we are pretty sure scripture says.
Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT HERE, DO IT RIGHT HERE!
Wonkette is fully funded by readers like YOU. If you love Wonkette, SUPPORT WONKETTE FINANCIALLY.