RICK SANTORUM WINS! After years of spewing vitriol from his frothy mouthhole, his lies about how all the gays are just incesting, dog-humping miscreants has finally managed to convince someone! Unfortunately, that someone is a GODDAM FEDERAL JUDGE from Louisiana:

Judge Martin Feldman, a Reagan appointee to the federal trial bench, has now written the only federal court decision in the country holding that gay couples are not entitled to the same rights as straight couples.

Sorry, LGBTQMORELETTERS community, but it looks like Judge Feldman does not approve of your “lifestyle choices” (yes, he used that phrase, because it’s 1987 or something). But that’s not even the worst of it.

At another point in his opinion, he compares same-sex marriage to marriage between “aunt and niece,” “aunt and nephew,” or “father and child.” He also likens marriage equality to polygamous marriages.

Fuck, man. We sure wish all those “father and child” couples would stop lining up at courthouses across the country demanding marriage certificates. Because this happens all the time, every minute of every day in every state that has legal gay marriage, as Judge Feldman surely knows.

This is the first federal judge to rule in favor of Jesus-style homophobic bigotry since the Supreme Court struck down portions of DOMA in 2013. It’s good to know that bigotry is still alive and well in the South.

While we have not read the opinion because we are lazy bloggers, we did set down our third afternoon glass of rail whiskey long enough to read ThinkProgress’s analysis of the opinion. Holy shit, this judge is A IDIOT:

It’s also worth noting that, on four separate occasions, Feldman relies upon Chief Justice John Roberts’ dissenting opinion in United States v. Windsor, the case striking down DOMA.

For those of you who don’t know how the Supreme Court works, in cases that are not unanimous, the winning side writes an opinion, which is the legal and authoritative interpretation of the law of the land. The losing side gets to write a dissent, which lays out their losing argument, which IS NOT the authoritative interpretation of the law of the land. In other words, this judge decided to rely on arguments that have no legal weight in his decision. We're pretty sure that's not the way it's supposed to work. But we are also pretty drunk.

But that is not the only reason he is A Idiot. He also shrugged off the precedent in Loving v. Virginia, the case that lets the different races marry and create mongrel children against the express wishes of Skygods everywhere. Judge Feldman notes, “in short, the Constitution specifically bans differentiation based on race.” So there, case shut. He knows that the 14th Amendment specifically bans differentiation based on race, so there is no possible argument. Unless, of course, A GODDAM FEDERAL JUDGE does not know what the Constitution actually says. But that would be UNPOSSIBLE.

Feldman’s claim, however, is false. The Fourteenth Amendment does not speak of race. Instead, it provides that “[n]o State shall . . . deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.”

So there you have it. In the Year of Someone’s Lord two thousand and fourteen, federal judges in America continue to talk about the “gay lifestyle” while not understanding the basic concepts laid out in the 14th Amendment. Rick Santorum’s frothy dream of dragging the country into the dark ages has at least one adherent.

Time for that fourth ... and fifth ... drink.


Follow DDM on Twitter (@Wonksplainer), but early in the morning when he is more soberer.


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