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Guess what body part I'm being? Oh, you guessed!


Maine Gov. Paul LePage is continuing his nonmonogamous relationship with the truth, cheating on reality and then, like a common Gary Hart, daring reporters to follow him and see what lies he's boinking on the good ship Monkey Business. (OK, it's an imperfect analogy.) This week, after Maine newspapers reported on tips from state legislators that LePage was planning to go on vacation during the partial government shutdown, LePage's office blasted the stories as fake news. Then, LePage went on talk radio to condemn the stupid press -- but also to hint (or "joke") that he likes to make up fake stories just to see if the press will be stupid enough to report them, those stupidheads. And then the Bangor Daily News did a public records request and discovered that LePage actually was the guy behind the rumors; he'd left a message on a state legislator's phone saying he was going out of town for 10 days. Darn those stupid vile reporters for accurately reporting LePage's lies!

On Monday, the Portland Press-Herald reported that LePage had "told two Republican lawmakers" he was planning to take a 10-day vacation, even as the state went into a partial shutdown over a budget impasse between legislators and the governor. LePage's spokesweasel, Adrienne Bennett, flatly denied LePage was going on vacation, issuing an emailed statement saying "No, he is Maine’s chief executive and will not be leaving.” Another LePage spokesferret, Peter Steele, also called Twitter reports about the supposed vacation "100% fake news." Despite those official denials, state Sen. Roger Katz insisted LePage had said otherwise:

“He could not have been more clear that he was leaving tomorrow morning for about 10 days,” Katz said. “There was no nuance and no ambiguity about that.”

A spokesperson for Senate President Michael Thibodeau had told reporters Monday that LePage had "called the Senate president and Sen. Katz this morning to say he was leaving the state to go on vacation." So this was a report with two named sources, one of whom even insisted he'd been quoted accurately, even after two spokespeople denied LePage had said anything of the sort. It's not exactly something reporters overheard in a bar or attributed to anonymous sources.

LePage claimed Monday that both legislators must have misheard him, because he was being all metaphorical-like and had only said his pen was on vacation and wouldn't be signing anything.

By Thursday, LePage was good and mad about the whole lie the media had made up by quoting him, and went on a talk radio show to complain about all the lies, and about how stupid the press was, just lying all the time:

I gotta laugh about that -- You talk about people taken line, hook, and sinker! [sic] This is the comment I made. It was Monday, I said, "My pen’s on vacation; I have nothing to sign.” Next thing you know, I'm on my way to Florida. I mean, give me a break, guys! The press is really, I mean, this is when you know it's not about the press, it's not about reporting, it's about poking a certain person in the eye for six and a half years. Shame on them. [...]

It all started, by saying, "My pen’s on vacation; it has nothing to sign.” That was how this started, and the press just ran, and they're so vile and inaccurate, and I tell ya...

Reporter Matt Gagnon at least noted that the story hadn't come out of thin air, and that lawmakers had been "feeding them that stuff" -- what about them? LePage made a funny joke about making up fake stories just to see if the press would bite, because the press is vile and out to get him and we'd be much better off without the lying press, that's for sure:

LePage: I just love to sit in my office and make up ways so they’ll write these stupid stories. I mean they are just so stupid it's awful. I'm sorry, but I tell you, the sooner the print press goes away, the better society will be.

Gagnon: Well, they're definitely listening to you right now...

LePage: Good for them. They're useless.

Those rotten, rumor-mongering reporters and their twisted lies, even if the sources of the twisted lies were two legislators from the governor's own party. They should never make up news out of thin air like that, especially when they make up news with two named sources who go on the record and agree they were quoted accurately. It's simply vile, and in a better world, there'd be no reporters.

Also, what was that about making up stories to see if reporters fell for them? You were joking, right? You wouldn't actually lie just for the sake of being a bastard, would you?

Turns out that LePage did indeed leave a voice message for state Sen. Katz Monday, saying exactly what Katz said LePage had said. Those crafty vile stupidheads at the Bangor Daily News used a public records request to get the recording. Listen!

I’m heading out of town for about 10 days and I’d like to speak with you before I leave,” LePage said. “So could you give me a call, please?"

To be fair, he never said he was going to Florida. But then, neither did Katz or any of the news stories. But he sure did say he was leaving town for ten days. Maybe the fake news was in calling that a "vacation" -- it's entirely possible that LePage, who never did leave town, was lying about a 10-day trip to inspect a ranch full of Dominican rentboys (to name one possible further lie) instead of lying about a 10-day vacation.

Once the voicemail was released by those scheming no-goodnik reporters, LePage had yet another story to tell: He never meant to imply he was going on vacation, he was merely

“attempting to get Senators to return his call” and said his staff was “100% accurate and clear” on Monday “that the Governor was not taking a vacation.”

So anyone who says that Paul LePage told legislators he was going on vacation is still a dirty Fake Newser, and America would be better off without those parasites who are driven to make up complete lies out of the whole cloth of Republican legislators who accurately pass on what LePage said on their voicemail.

When all news comes from Paul LePage himself, we will surely know what's going on, especially when he keeps changing his own story, like that time he was all worried about drug dealers impregnating all the white girls, but didn't mean anything racial about it, but then said the blacks are all drug dealers who are out to impregnate white girls after all. Then, and only then, will we really understand the real news.

[Poynter / Portland Press Herald / WGAN / Bangor Daily News]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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