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Maine Gov. Paul LePage To Finally Fulfill His Destiny: Becoming FLORIDA MAN

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Gov. Paul LePage promised the people of Maine he would show how much he loves them by getting the fuck out of the state the minute his eight-year infestation of the governor's office ends. Truly, it was a generous valedictory gesture, although he's probably just going to stick the taxpayers with the bill for the many layers of toxic slime he leaves behind in his office. LePage even managed to make retirement in the Sunshine State seem like a Stygian horror.

LePage explained why he'd be becoming a Florida Man who visits Maine in the summers, instead of being a Mainer who winters in Florida:


"I'll tell you very, very simply: I have a house in Florida. I will pay no income tax and the house in Florida's property taxes are $2,000 less than we were paying in Boothbay," LePage said. "At my age, why wouldn't you conserve your resources and spend it on family (rather) than spend it on taxes?"

The poor sad tax refugee. He also said his one regret as a politician was that he'd only signed two income tax cuts, which hadn't been nearly enough. Ideally, he may have wanted to completely zero out state revenue so no poor person would ever get help of any kind, and then they'd all work hard and get rich.

LePage said he was leaving regardless of who replaces him in office, Democrat Janet Mills or Republican Shawn Moody, whom he's endorsed for governor. But either way, he's getting the hell out, because screw all y'all, he's put up with you people long enough: "I am done with politics. I have done my eight years." Heck, lots of Mainers would have let him out of his sentence earlier, and in fact, thousands let him know it would be just fine with them.

The rage-filled old racist also told reporters he has big plans for staying active during his retirement, too:

LePage said he was "talking to a couple of universities" about teaching in Florida from September through April, but he would not identify the schools.

We guess that must mean Trump University is poised for a comeback! Yr Wonkette is a tad skeptical about LePage's qualifications for an academic job, considering he's an idiot what don't write good, thinks modern science is of the Devil, and has a bad habit of fleeing university campuses if he thinks someone might criticize him. One round of student end-of-semester evaluations and His Perpetual Butthurtness would quit in a huff.

Yr Wonkette wishes Paul LePage a quick and restful retirement, especially one that involves completely vanishing from the public eye. Maybe he can get some beachfront property and stubbornly insist it's not disappearing due to sea level rise -- just as long as taxpayers don't have to bail him out. May he spend a relaxing few weeks with Carl Hiaason's Skink as his nature guide.

LePage's farewell to public life -- a tad premature, since his successor won't be sworn in until January -- ended abruptly when he began lunging violently at press photographers, screaming at them to stop stealing pieces of his soul.

Sure, maybe the Portland Press-Herald didn't say that, but we bet it happened.

[Portland Press-Herald]

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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