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America! It was great once, remember? But now it’s not, thanks to Muslim presidents and homosexual marriages.


If only there were someone out there with enough boundless self-confidence that he truly believed, in his heart of hearts, that he personally has what it takes to Make America Great Again.

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Lucky for you, we do.

Over the coming weeks, we will be releasing a series of serious, thoughtful policy proposals in this space that will, when enacted, restore our formerly great nation to its former greatness.

First up: The Borties. We’re gonna throw abortion the biggest party it’s ever seen.

Let’s start with a premise that we should all take for granted: abortion is good.

Abortion saves lives. Abortions help women live the lives they want: get educations, start and continue careers, and have the families they want when they want them.

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Too often, well-intentioned pro-choicers hedge on this. They focus on all the other services Planned Parenthood provides. They describe abortion as a “difficult” or “painful” choice. They say it should be “safe, legal, and rare.”

But abortions should be safe, legal, and happen as often as women want or need them. And they should be celebrated, not quietly at home with a glass of wine (well OK, that too), but in an enormous, televised gala awards show that makes the Oscars look like your middle school soccer team getting its participation certificates in the mail.

We're talking celebrities. We're talking red carpet. We're talking a national broadcast network in primetime. We're talking a huge opening musical number with dancers in fetus costumes.

Let’s give the abortion industry all the glitz and all the glamour it damn well deserves.

And the awards! Best Doctor, that one’s easy. Best Clinic Escort. Best Advocate. Best Pro-Choice Politician. A lifetime achievement award to Planned Parenthood president Cecile Richards for staring down the biggest dipshits Congress has to offer.

And at the end of the night: Best Abortion, and every year it’s a tie for all of them.

We aren’t going to Make America Great Again with half-measures, people. We need bold ideas and big steps to restore our nation to its former luster. And if that means throwing the biggest damn abortion party the world has ever seen, so be it.

And yes, we'd be happy to host, thank you, that's so sweet!

Follow Jesse Berney on Twitter: @jesseberney.

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