This is my meatloaf. There are many like it but this one is mine. My meatloaf is my best friend. I must master it as I must master my oven. My meatloaf, without me, is useless. Without my meatloaf, I am useless. I must fire my meatloaf until it reaches an internal temperature of 170 degrees lest I undercook it and acquire the fiery poops.

Regular meatloaf is good and all, but -- and bear in mind that we here at Wonkette have an almost religious love of beef -- turkey meatloaf is seriously where it's at. It's like meatloaf, but with more turkey, which is awesome, because have you ever met a turkey? They're assholes. They're the Ted Cruzes of the poultry kingdom. Little shits probably want to institute a pinion flat tax on their fellow birds. Fuck turkeys, eat the crap out of them.

Also: you're going to use garlic powder here for a reason. Don't use pressed/minced fresh garlic, because it won't mix worth a damn (not as well as you want it to, at least). Yes, we too love fresh garlic, but it's the wrong choice for this recipe.

This will serve 3-4, depending on how much turkey you can eat in one go (if the answer is not "a lot," you are doing it wrong).


  • 2 lbs ground turkey
  • 1/2 cup bread crumbs
  • 1 egg
  • 1 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1/2 tsp pepper
  • 1 tbl oregano
  • 1/2 cup ketchup
  • 1/4 cup yellow mustard
  • 1 tsp soy sauce
  • 1 1/4 tsp garlic powder
  • 1/2 tsp balsamic vinegar
  • 2 tsp brown sugar
  • 1 tsp paprika
  • 1 tsp worcestershire sauce
  • oil (for the pan)
  • How To Foods!

    1. Pre-heat the oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit (or 14.3 kilodynes metric). (We refuse to get tired of this joke.)

    2. Time to make your glaze. Into a small mixing bowl, pour the ketchup, mustard, soy sauce, balsamic vinegar, and 1/4 tsp garlic powder. Mix well.

    3. Dump the ground turkey in a large mixing bowl. Crack the egg into the bowl. Add the bread crumbs, salt, pepper, oregano, paprika, worcestershire sauce, and 1 tsp garlic powder. Mix until the ingredients are minimally blended, but don't overdo it; if you overmix the meatloaf, it gets tough. No, we don't know why. We suspect it's the fault of that conniving little shit, physics.

    4. Oil a rectangular loaf pan. Fill the pan evenly with your meat mixture. Spread all of the sauce on top evenly as a glaze.

    5. Cover the pan with aluminum foil, place it in the oven, and bake the meat forever. Bake until the end of time. Bake until the seas boil, and the sun bleeds its last, and Carly Fiorina withdraws from the Presidential race. Bake for 40 minutes on 350.

    6. Take the meatloaf out, remove the foil, and bake for another 15 minutes on 375. Then take your loaf of meat out of the oven and eat that loaf of meat.

    Hell, that was easy. We should make loaves of things more often.


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