Male 'Journalist' Tucker Carlson Sad There Are No Male Journalists Because Jill Abramson Murdered Them All

Since the suspiciously ungracious and despicably cruel firing of Jill Abramson , the first female executive editor of theNew York Times-- apparently for no reason other than because she was a "pushy" "mercurial" "polarizing" "brusque" beeeyotch who twice hurt an otherwise super chill dude's feelings so bad he had to punch a wall, but it's okay now because theTimesding-donged that witch and gave her job to Mr. Chill Dude -- there have been many excellent analyses of what happened at theTimes. Like what an inspiration she was to the other women who worked at theTimes. And how shocking and discouraging it is that she was fired in the way that she was , unlike, say, former editor Howell Raines, who was given a pretty darned nice send off when he was fired. Or how we will never really know whether and how much sexism played a role in how she was treated, perceived, and ultimately fired. There are many excellent points out there, made by excellent people who are very smart and wise.

And then there is Tucker Carlson, who is "enjoying the heck out of this story." Because he is a dick.

Carlson appeared on the new Fox News show "Outnumbered," which, you may recall , is basically like that other Fox show "The Five," where five conservatives vociferously agree with each other, except that the nifty twist here is that this is four lady conservatives vociferously agreeing with each other, plus a conservative man who is outnumbered -- ha ha get it? -- and, from what we can tell, it's like all the other Fox shows except this one shows more leg.

The Fox ladies -- no, we have not bothered to learn their names since all those Fox ladies look and sound the same to us because we are racist that way -- invited The Tuck to share his deep thoughts on the firing of Jill Abramson, since he is a (snort) "journalist."

One of the Fox ladies shocked us by starting with some actual facts, which we did not know was allowed on Fox: like how lady journos make $.82 for every dollar a bro journo makes, that 63 percent of journalists are men, and "it is highly tilted towards the male when it comes to the journalism industry." Good for you, Fox lady, those are some good points, even if you don't speak English very good!

Here was The Tuck's answer:

I’m employer of a lot of people. If you adjust for amount of uninterrupted time spent in the work place, women make more than men in almost every category. ... Go try and hire a male journalist. You can’t find any!”

Yeah, that's right. There are, like, no male journalists anywhere! These days, you're always hearing about all the lady journos taking over, getting trazillions of dollars to start data-driven tastes-like-spinach media ventures, and hiring up all the ladies because there are no men, we have killed them all, #RIPpatriarchy.

Then the Fox ladies took turns making more good points, like how maybe the pay gap is real after all, and sometimes it IS hard to be a woman.

Tucker, who knows a lot more about ladies than these four Fox ladies ever could,obviously, laid down even more truths.

Let me just say, overall, as a general matter, two things. One, the statistic that men make, you know, 120 percent over what women make, or whatever the number is, is misleading because it’s not a straight comparison. And two, ask anybody who’s trying to hire right now, the overwhelming majority of impressive, qualified candidates are female. And that mirrors national trends, where women graduate college at higher rates and get better grades. Period. That’s just a fact. So this idea that women are suffering is ridiculous. MEN are suffering.

Okay, one: That statistic -- whatever the number is, who cares? we're talking facts here, not facts -- about men making more money than women is actually not misleading because even within the same fields, when you are indeed comparing apples to apples, women are still paid less.

And two: What are you even talking about, Tucker? All the qualified candidates are female (sure, we'll buy that), they graduate from college at higher rates than men (yes, we know), they get better grades (yup), and this somehow proves that when those women, who are better and smarter in all ways than the men they're competing against for the same jobs, are actually getting those jobsandbigger paychecks? Period? Ergo, men are suffering. MEN are suffering! Won't someone please think of the men?!?!

The Fox ladies took turns exasperating at Tucker, who then pulls another shiny turd from the hole in his face and claims that women who do not have children actually make more than men.

"Look up the numbers!" he said. "It's true!" No, actually, it isn't, but saying things that are accurate and true is not exactly Tucker's niche.

At this point, the Fox ladies were clearly ready for a cocktail, as are we, as are you, but Tucker just laughed at them and rolled his eyes and said, "Oh, okay , just because I'm introducing facts into the conversation" and "it's not 1974 anymore," which is the first, and only, fact he introduced.

Oh, and by way, Tucker, if you're wondering where all the male journos at, you might want to start by checking the masthead of your own media outlet . Dick.

[ Buzzfeed ]

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