Marco Rubio Can't Believe You Morons Thought He Was Serious About Immigration Reform

Funny guy

You might have heard some very disturbing rumors lately about true conservative Sen. Marco Rubio. Like, maybe he isn't sotrue   conservative after all, because once upon a time, wayyyyyy back in 2013, he worked with the notorious Gang o' Eight to give free Obamaphones to illegals and -- shudder, gasp, hide the women and children! -- create a Pathway To Citizenship^TM.

But don't believe the hype. Rubio IS TOO a true conservative. Why, even Kansas Gov. Sam "Yeah He Still Blows A Lot" Brownback" endorsed him on Monday and called him a quote unquote "true conservative," so you know it's true. Brownback really digs it the most that Rubio loves the unborned babies and the Jesus, and as for whether son-of-immigrants Rubio secretly loves him some foreigns? Well, that didn't come up.

But Rubio has now offered a perfectly cromulent explanation for why he was for treating immigrants like Human-Americans before he was running for the Republican nomination and needed to prove he can get his xenophobia on with the best of 'em.

See, when he was trying to pass an immigration bill, he had his fingers crossed behind his back the whole time:

Marco Rubio on Monday insisted the immigration reform bill he helped spearhead through the Senate was never intended to become law and that the authors of the bill expected conservatives in the House to make it "even better."

"The Senate immigration law was not headed towards becoming law," he told a questioner at a town hall in Rock Hill, S.C. "Ideally it was headed towards the House, where conservative members of the House were going to make it even better."

See? That's much better. Rubio didn't really want the House to pass the bill he and his fellow gang members wrote. Nope, it was all just a ruse to make it look like they were trying to get something done, but really, they were hoping House Republicans would rewrite the whole thing and take out any of the questionable parts that might later be used against Rubio the presidential candidate to claim he was once soft on browns. He never wanted that bill he worked on to actually become a law, duh. Even though, strangely, he gave a real good impression at the time of someone who wanted that to happen:

I think we have a good piece of legislation they should take a look at. There are a lot of good ideas that they should adopt.

Is Marco Rubio really a secret boy genius who's super good at eleventy-dimensional chess and was this close to brilliantly maneuvering the entire U.S. Congress to do his immigration reform bidding? Or is he just a half-wit full-of-bull lying liar who's tryna act all GRRR about immigration reform now, because that's what the racist shitbag Republicans running for president are into these days?

Don't worry, you don't have to answer that question. It was rhetorical.

[ NBC News / Reuters ]