Marco Rubio Gonna Protect American Business By Drowning It In Crippling 'Anti-Woke' Lawsuits
Photo: Gage Skidmore, Creative Commons license 2.0

Marco Rubio is so full of shit it's a wonder he can button his pants anymore. That dingus just introduced a bill to enable shareholders to punish corporations for "wokeness" with crippling lawsuits, and even graded on the Liddle Marco curve, it's an idiotic bill.

"Patriotic Americans who love their country and the opportunity it provides should be able to fight back against the growing tyranny of the woke elites running corporate America," Rubio said on his website. "These are often nationless corporations that amass fortunes divorced from the fate of our great country while pushing socially destructive, far left policies like boycotts and cancel crusades at home. My Mind Your Own Business Act would put the burden of proof on corporations to show that their far left actions were in shareholders' best interests, and make corporate directors and officers personally liable if they can't prove it."

Republicans hate trial lawyers and support tort reform, right?

The so-called Mind Your Own Business Act — Get it, get it? Isn't he just the cleverest boy in the tenth grade? — has literally no chance of passing. Rubio is having a public wank on the federal register, not to mention the First Amendment, to prove that he's the least woke boy in all the land. Because why bother with actual governing when you can crank one out for the rubes, right?

Rubio's proposed statute would allow shareholders to sue corporations that use their economic heft to advocate for social responsibility, and it would shift the burden of proof to the companies to establish that their actions have a measurable economic benefit. Corporations that modify their business practices to protest a state's "election procedures, restrictions on abortion, protections for religious freedom, and enforcement of immigration law" would be liable. So Uber and Lyft, which are promising to pay the legal bills of drivers sued under Texas's insane abortion law, could be sued by their own shareholders. The same people going to the mat for a baker who doesn't want to bake a gay wedding cake want to empower shareholders to drag Bank of America into court to defend its decision not to do business with private prisons and immigrant detention centers.

Freedom of commerce for me, but not for thee.

And while we're talking about freedoms, Senator Rubio would like to do some cancel culturing to the First Amendment. To wit, he'd like to empower shareholders to sue companies that "promote socialism, Marxism, critical race theory, or other un-American ideologies among their workforces or customers," and that "openly coordinate" with political actors, "conceding to the demands of such political actors without undertaking due care." Whatever the hell that means.

We're pretty sure it doesn't mean Mike Lindell can't hang out with Donald Trump, promoting the Big Lie and giving MyPillow discounts to insurrectionists. And we're definitely sure it wouldn't block companies from contributing to political candidates, since that type of expenditure is explicitly protected in this wet dream cum statute, as are any actions that promote religious values, natch.

But it might mean Fox News can't coordinate with Republicans to monetize disinformation and maintain minority rule, since master draftsman Marco Rubio would make it breach of fiduciary duty to use "corporate resources to advance narrowly political or partisan agendas."

There's also a truly bizarre provision presuming that a company's bottom line does not include "the morale of, or ability of the issuer to hire or retain, supervisory employees in general"; "the diversity of the board of directors, management, or workforce in general"; or "the public relations, image, value of marketing, or coverage by the news media of the issuer." Because why would Wayfair think it's the company's interest to prevent employee walkouts over sales of beds to ICE detention centers, right?

If a shareholder wins, the court can award her twice the annual compensation of the entire board of directors or treble her actual damages, whichever is larger. (Hint: It's the first one, as the second one probably doesn't exist.)

And while Rubio may be popping off today about the obligation of companies to dedicate themselves solely to shareholders' bottom line, we are old enough to remember when the Rubio clapped like a trained seal as the Trump administration gutted an Obama-era rule requiring investment advisers to act in the best interest of clients and to disclose when they were being given incentives to sell specific products. Because we are four years old.

In summary and in conclusion, Marco Rubio needs to stick that thing back in his pants and zip it up. And we should all contribute to Rep. Val Demings's campaign to send this juvenile asshole packing in 2022.

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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