Marco Rubio Pulls Out Stunning Second Place Win In Florida, Quits GOP Race Like Loser He Is

Never forget how he actually said that.

Marco Rubio, goddamned loser that he is, lost the Florida primary, and his campaign is SO over, bro. Rubio told his supporter(s) he was suspending his campaign Tuesday night, after every news organization in the universe simultaneously punched him in the face and called him the biggest loser of all the losers times infinity:

This year we will not be on the winning side ... while this may not have been the year for a hopeful and optimistic message about our future, I still remain hopeful for America.

He went on to say all of Little Marco's life story, yadda yadda yadda, what a goddamned bore. Then he added, "It is not God's plan that I be president in 2016 or maybe ever." Reached for comment, God was like, "Fucking never, dude."

[contextly_sidebar id="RbjKDLK7nRHBiRtp8o3KybtADbeoB2Yv"]Here is a hilarious screengrab of CNN airing Marco Rubio's final loser "victory" speech. If you will glance at the numbers on the right, you will see that it took approximately five and a half seconds for everybody to declare that Donald Trump's teeny weeny DICKED MARCO RUBIO THE FUCK DOWN IN HIS OWN STATE. Seriously, look at the numbers, ay yi yi.

How did this happen? How did Rubio take such a failboat on such a failride up FuckFaceFailure River? Let's take a walk down memory lane to see how this "44-year-old son of a bartender and a maid" tried to run for president and LOSED IT, LOSED IT, DUMBY MCDUMBASS!

[contextly_sidebar id="DVFpUWA88sifpJKvt9HPsIMrPt1dmEJN"]January foreshadowed bad times to come. David Brooks blew a hole in his pantleg making starbursts over Rubio, which is the first sign somebody is going to fail. Then Brooks made himself a sandwich and took some ginseng so he could destroy another pair of pants with Rubio starbursts.

[contextly_sidebar id="IZkTn7Wqzza44oDTZJeRHWNFCQtFYNd0"]But maybe Marco could pull this out! He started off with an incredibly inspiring third place win in the Iowa caucuses. He ate shit in New Hampshire, but not long after, South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley took Rubio under the bleachers and "endorsed" him and OH BOY! He winned second place in South Carolina!

Things REALLY got hot when Bob Dole popped a bottle of Viagra and "endorsed" Rubio's sin snatch. Was Rubio headed for the most historic third place finish in the history of presidential primaries?

[contextly_sidebar id="9kciYGC0HzkshXAMPfCC2mEXDS0cR4TP"]No. He failed. Utterly miserably truly madly deeply FAILED. Nevada was a glorious second place win, and Rubio did finally win a state on Super Tuesday and it was Minnesota and OH BOY SOME MORE! But he lost all the other Super Tuesday states, sadface.

[contextly_sidebar id="dgV76IhCRy1DbwPTVLSnswnZjiu5Yihx"]Maybe Puerto Rico would be where the #RubioMentum came back? You know the old saying: "As Puerto Rico goes, nobody else follows because most Americans don't even know where that is." And he did it! He winned Puerto Rico and said Spanishes at the people who live there!

[contextly_sidebar id="aJ69f4ZE8DkCVYZIoBdU80G79dq5Qp2b"]For some reason, though, U.S. America did not pay attention to the Puerto Rico results, how weird! During Not Super Tuesday a little over a week ago, Rubio managed to choke so hard on his own chilito that he lost Michigan, Hawaii, Mississippi AND Idaho. Tough break, Little Marco!

[contextly_sidebar id="cDOsaZIlqrJHSQINuVK79ElzFJdcB8u7"]So finally, FINALLY, Rubio knew it was time to shit or get off the pot and #StopTrump forever, by winning his own home state of Florida. So he said, "Hey my friend John Kasich," and John Kasich hugged him and asked, "Have we met?" And Marco said, "Hey look, I will send all my millions of adoring fans in Ohio to vote for you, and you will send all your Florida pals to vote for me, and together we will beat Trump!" And Kasich hugged him again, moderately, and told Marco to eat his ass and don't forget about his balls either.

SIDENOTE: John Kasich won HIS home state of Ohio, because that's what you do when you're not a GIANT FUCKING LOSER.

And now here we are. Little Marco will not be president, and he will not be in the Senate either once this is all over. Maybe he could be a bartender like his dad, hahahahaha bet he'd fail at that too.


Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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