Marco Rubio Really Really REALLY Wants You To Know He Will Lose For President Too


Marco Rubio has spent the past 24 hours trying to cocktease the internet into caring about his Big Announcement coming Monday evening, whatever it might be.

Obviously, the world is on pins and needles, wondering what Rubio might announce, but now we do not have to wait until 6 PM to find out.

Oooh, American flags! Good tweet. Great announcement. But what could it possibly mean? (Besides that Rubio's team is super pissed Hillary Clinton stomped all over his 15 minutes by launching her campaign on Sunday, so now everyone is talking about her instead of him, UNFAIR!) Let's have the Associated Press translate Team Marco's millennial message into actual words:

Sen. Marco Rubio is telling his top donors that he is running for president because he feels "uniquely qualified" to pitch his Republican Party as one that will defend the American Dream.

Ohhhhh. So that's it. He is running for president. Who knew? And with his "unique" platform -- has any other presidential candidate claimed to heart the flag 56 times? -- surely he IS the best guy (or gal, can't forget Carly Fiorina, because she won't let us) to be the Biggest Loser in the 2016 general election.

We shall now do some Serious Journalism, with the Google, to determine just how many wooden boys to give Rubio for his claim of being "unique."

  • He is the only first-term senator running for president (as long as you do not count Rand Paul or Ted Cruz or, if you go back a term or two, a fella by name of what's his name, Barack Obama).
  • He is the only Floridian running for president (as long as you don't count Jeb Bush).
  • He is the only son of Cuban immigrants who had to flee Fidel Castro's evil dictatorship, even before Castro rose to power (as long as you don't count Ted Cruz).
  • He's the only Hispanic running (as long as you don't count Ted Cruz -- or Jeb Bush).
  • He is the only one who speaks Spanish (as long as you don't count Jeb Bush or kinda count Ted Cruz's "Spanglish").
  • He is the only one who chairs a Senate subcommittee tasked with overseeing science stuff -- Subcommittee on Oceans, Atmosphere, Fisheries and Coast Guard -- even though he is "not a scientist" (as long as you don't count Ted Cruz, who chairs the Subcommittee on Space, Science and Competitiveness and is also not a scientist).
  • He is the only one who believes "religious liberty" is far more important than "marriage equality" (as long as you don't count every other Republican who is even pretending to think about running).

HmMm, when we look at it that way, we cannot think of a single thing that makes Marco Rubio distinguishable from all the other idiot Republicans running for president. Except that he's the only one with a drinking problem. That we know of.

Maybe that's it? Nah, that probably is not it. So we hereby give Marco Rubio eleventy three Pinocchios, three hearty chuckles, and a big fat yawn.



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