Marco Rubio Soars To Triumphant Not Last Place In Nevada, Donald Trump Does OK Too

Tuesday was an exciting night for Donald Trump, who stomped all over his Republican competitors in the Nevada caucuses with his patented gold-plated shit-kickers. He won approximately 5017 percent of the vote (or 45.9 percent, if you're a nerd who wants to get all technical about it), allowing Marco Rubio to once again declare the most important victory of second place, with an astonishing 23.9 percent. Astonishing in that somehow, Team Rubio will insist this is a win of some sort.

In his victory speech, Trump celebrated the unexpected -- take that, pundits! -- decisiveness of his continued "winning, winning, winning." Flanked by his sons, Don and the one who looks like the creepy Busey brother, Trump also demonstrated his superior knowledge of scripture, quoting Jesus's most famous sermon, from memory:

It's hard for me to turn down money because that's not what I've done in my whole life. I've grabbed and grabbed and grabbed. You know, I get greedy. I want money, money. I'll tell you what we're going to do, right? We get greedy, right? Now we're going to get greedy for the United States. We're going to grab and grab and grab. We're going to bring in so much money and so much everything. We're going to make America great again, folks, I'm telling you.

Trump continued, thanking his favorite people: Steve Wynn, fellow casino owner and super fucking rich dude; "the evangelicals," whom Trump also loves too, they're terrific; Liberty University and Jerry Falwell, Jr., Trump's brother from another mother in Christ, who said the uppity thinks-he's-so-pope Pope Francis was a real schmuck for saying Trump is bad at Jesus because according to Falwell, "Jesus never intended to give instructions to political leaders on how to run a country," so Frank ought to shut his stupid yap if he's not going to help Make America Great Again.

The Donald boasted of his success with all the most important demographics, from the evangelicals to the olds to the youngs to the highly educated to the poorly educated.

"I love the poorly educated!" he said, to which the crowd, apparently filled with that very voting bloc, cheered and applauded. Trump was especially pleased with himself for winning 46 percent of the Hispanic vote, which is odd because you'd think there'd be a law prohibiting rapists and murderers from voting, but guess not. At least not until Trump is president, and then he's sure to fix that loophole, right after they build his wall.

Trump also offered some new and innovative campaign promises, declaring that we will keep Gitmo open and "load it up with bad dudes." Cool. He also insisted, "We're going to be the smart people," which would really take America in a whole new direction, so that'll be neat.

Next stop is Super Tuesday, on March 1, when Marco Rubio is hoping to once against defeat Ted Cruz for second place by mostly ignoring it and crossing his fingers for the big win in Florida on March 15, John Kasich might have a light bulb moment and realize hanging on until Michigan is not a path to victory, and Donald Trump is going to beat the crap out of all of them and be the Republican presidential nominee.

We expect Very Serious Journalists to continue expressing utter disbelief that the Republican base is ass-over-elbows in love with a fascist, racist dickbag because apparently, they're unfamiliar with the Grand Old Party. Perhaps they are the poorly educated voters Trump loves so much.


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