Marco Rubio Was Locked And Loaded For Christmas, In Case ISIS Came Down The Chimney


[contextly_sidebar id="Po4WPEnlt4hSoCXTelyToi1pSh6e2CTb"]In the hearts, minds and soiled panties of America's Republicans, ISIS is lurking around every single corner, down every alley, and having a cookout in every good Christian cul-de-sac in U.S. America. That is, when it's not having rough, breathy sex in the next townhome over while old ladies are trying to watch "Judge Judy." So it makes sense that even the most prominent Republicans -- like say, those running for president -- would want to be prepared to shoot them dead and stop Islamofascunistic tyrannofascism right in its tracks.

[contextly_sidebar id="c61x8EyX3pyoNMboA3eJlseS4OKN2v5I"]Reindeer tracks, even! Wait what? Oh, just that Marco Rubio took time out of his busy schedule of not showing up at the Senate and not having a plan to actually defeat ISIS, to visit ye olde gun shoppe on Christmas Eve, just in case the radical jihadist group came down his chimney. At least that's what he told "Face The Nation," in direct response to a question about why he bought a gun on Christmas Eve:

Well, first of all I'm not home very often, and so that's one of the few days I was there. Second, I have a right to protect my family. And that's why -- I was a previous firearm holder as well, this was an additional one. And again, I think many Americans around the country feel the same way. I'm a strong supporter of the Second Amendment. I have a right to protect my family if someone were to come after us. In fact, if ISIS were to visit us or our communities at any moment, the last line of defense between ISIS and my family is the ability that I have to protect my family from them, or from a criminal, or anyone else who seeks to do us harm. Millions of Americans feel that way.

[contextly_sidebar id="kkaTH1VGKVbuBB5fNw6VmgiyxuQFYWZF"]That is some mighty fine word salad! Rubio wasn't worried about running into ISIS at the gun shop, of course, because as Rubio has explained, ISIS does not buy guns at the store.

But how disturbing! Were millions of Americans sitting around on Christmas Eve, including in the Rubio household, worried as all fuck that ISIS was going to steal Santa's sleigh and his eight reindeer plus Rudolph, and come down the chimney to behead everyone while they were eating their Christmas cookies? If so, that is sad and those Americans are idiots.

[contextly_sidebar id="6Rtd08pmhvmrwBzp5Fwh4TklkcY2vS7Z"]And since Marco Rubio is never home because he's spending all his time at fancy fundraisers, wearing fuck-me boots and waxing poetic on why the Paris attacks were good news for Marco Rubio, (instead of going to briefings on things like, ahem, ISIS!), it would be a shame if his Christmas Eve special family fun time was ruined by yuletide terrorism. Better go buy extra guns, especially because, in addition to the ISIS threat, Obama is definitely positively surely you betcha any day now about to seize everybody's guns, yep for sure.

[Think Progress]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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