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Republican Florida Man Marco Rubio "is not a scientist, man," but that doesn't preclude him from knowing exactly what we must do to combat the spread of Ebola. That's why he's introducing a Senate bill to force the U.S. of A government to do what he knows is the "common sense" solution, even if the U.S. of A government hasn't asked for his help and has already said the "common sense" solution will just make things worse.


The ban would be put in place immediately, until the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) has certified that the Ebola outbreak has been contained. New countries in which the outbreak reaches significant levels would also be subject to this ban. The legislation would exempt individuals who are approved to come to the U.S. for training related to the Ebola outbreak.

"We must take any and all necessary precautions to contain this virus – and common sense restrictions on travel from countries now confronting this epidemic is an important step. The most effective way to combat this deadly virus is to address it at its source."

Everyone who works at the Centers for Disease Control are probably jumping with joy right now that finally, someone has come forward with the real way to stop the spread of Ebola, since those Obama administration hacks clearly don't have a clue. Sure, there are plenty of studies that show travel bans only make things worse. It's just common sense, as the screeching nimrods on Fox News keep telling us, to make sure those African Africans can't sneak into America with their scary African diseases. And if you don't support this common sense solution, you should fire yourself immediately. It's just plain obvious that anyone who would disagree with that has some sort of psychological problem, according to Fox's very own quack psychiatrist. And yes, we're looking at you, President Obama.

That's why Sen. Rubio is joining his fellow Republican 2016 presidential contenders in showing True Leadership by introducing laws to make sure the president is taking orders from them, not those idiots at the CDC. Yes, it's true that Rubio acknowledges he's not expert enough to have an opinion on how old the Earth is, as he explained to GQ in 2012. There are just some issues that are far too complex for a non-scientist to understand.

I can tell you what recorded history says, I can tell you what the Bible says, but I think that’s a dispute amongst theologians and I think it has nothing to do with the gross domestic product or economic growth of the United States. I think the age of the universe has zero to do with how our economy is going to grow. I’m not a scientist. I don’t think I’m qualified to answer a question like that. At the end of the day, I think there are multiple theories out there on how the universe was created and I think this is a country where people should have the opportunity to teach them all. I think parents should be able to teach their kids what their faith says, what science says. Whether the Earth was created in 7 days, or 7 actual eras, I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to answer that. It’s one of the great mysteries.

But we're not taking about fossils, which may or may not have been planted by God just to trick us. We're talking about how viral diseases work, and how they're spread, and how they should be treated, and that's something any idiot who watches television can understand. Which is why Not-Gonna-Be-President Rubio is calling on Congress to enact this Anti-Ebola legislation, which, yes, completely contradicts what actual experts say, but on the other hand, have those experts even read the Bible? There's a lot of stuff in there about pestilence, and as we all know, the Midianites stopped Ebola by banning any direct flights from Uz and Zemar. You could look it up. Rubio has, and he's found the part in there that says "In case of locust infestation or plagues or whatever, thou shalt institute a travel ban." It's right there, in plain Aramaic. Even a non-scientist like Rubio can understand that, man.

[Marco Rubio]

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Employees in Donald Trump's White House have the career mortality rate of Bubonic plague victims and are less attractive to future employers. Adding to the body count is Darren Beattie, one of Trump's speechwriters who was fired on Friday. It's a hard gig trying to make the thing currently squatting in the Oval Office sound like a functioning human being. Just take a quick look at Trump's E. coli-infected word salad when removed from a sanity-boosting Twitter format.

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In April of this year, Blake Farenthold, the footie pajama-wearing Texas congressman who once lamented that he couldn't challenge Susan Collins to a duel on account of her not having a penis, resigned from office -- several months after news broke that he had used $84,000 in taxpayer money to settle a sexual harassment suit brought against him by Lauren Greene, his former communications director. In the suit, Greene alleged that the Congressman told her that he had "wet dreams" about her and also informed her that she could show him her nipples. Just, you know, normal stuff like that.

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