Maria Bartiromo And Pals Rage Over A&W Root Beer Covering Up Cartoon Bear's Wanger, Because They're Idiots

Yesterday, in a post about giggling bumpkin Kentucky Rep. James Comer, the Republican currently very publicly searching for Hunter Biden's Big Ding Dong as chair of the House Oversight Committee, Wonkette asked a common question: What the hell happened to Fox Business's Maria Bartiromo? Didn't she used to present as a halfway decent TV news person, or at least one who wasn't just totally bugfuck?

We don't know the answers, only God has those, but we enjoy watching her spiral.

Yesterday, she and her panel collectively fell for an obvious joke made by A&W Root Beer, which claimed that after many years of being allowed to wear no pants, its bear mascot "Rooty" would be covering up its bear bits.

"Quit yer cryin!" raged Bartiromo. "I mean, what is your problem?" she asked, after her co-panelist Cheryl Casone said, “First it was M&M’s, now a bear has to wear pants,” and “This is the woke police. Cancel culture has gone ridiculous!"

Yes, something has gone ridiculous.

Anyone (ANYONE!) could see that was the root beer company making fun of the pretend (Fox News) outrage that the new M&M mascots don't get Tucker Carlson and the rest of the Foxers aroused in their underpants like the old ones do, we guess. Tucker does not like how there is "obese purple M&M" that he's pretty sure is a lesbian. (It is the peanut M&M. Tucker thinks it's some kind of CIA-level op to encourage obesity.)

Anyone (ANYONE!) could see that A&W announcing that its pantsless six-foot-tall bear was "polarizing," just like the M&Ms announcement about replacing its mascots with Maya Rudolph said the new mascots were "polarizing," was a joke. They're puttin' pants on the bear! Woke mob gone wild, covering up cartoon bear crotch! Here, we'll show you, in case (good for you!) you managed to miss this dumb bullshit the first time.

M&Ms admit defeat, say their new spokesperson will be Maya Rudolph, because girl M&Ms too "polarizing."

According to Mediaite's reporting, the Fox Business website appears to have fallen for it first, in an extremely credulous article about the bear whose cartoon junk was no longer visible because of wokeness. Thank God, Mediaite got a screengrab:

The article has now been amended at the top to say that A&W "later admitted it's a joke," as if there was anything people of average intelligence needed the company to admit. But we guess when you're the butt of the joke ...

The rest of the Fox Business article appears largely unchanged, stating that Fox Business reached out to the company for "more details on what led to the decision to modify the mascot." They mean why did the root beer company cover up the cartoon bear's cartoon junk, because they were mad about the junk-covering.

Contextualizing the issue, the article stated, "M&Ms is one of many companies in recent years that has overhauled or modified its branding in the wake of political backlash," as if M&Ms was not itself trolling them with its decision to get rid of the M&M characters that apparently don't give Tucker a boner anymore.

And before you knew it, Maria Bartiromo and the rest of the halfwits took the football and ran with it. To be entirely fair, Mediaite says Bartiromo did ask her co-panelist James Freeman if he thought it was a joke.

Freeman and the rest of the panel went on to speculate that A&W’s statement was a play for attention.

Yes, well, that's called marketing, children.

And sometimes marketing involves getting in on making fun of the brain-addled dipshits at Fox News who have been spending large blocks of their news coverage on how M&Ms just aren't hot enough for them anymore.

No notes, any of you. You're all perfect just the way God made you.


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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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