Marsha Blackburn: WHAR FOOD IN GROCERY STORE?
GOP Senator Marsha Blackburn, who’s about as smart as a bag of hair, turned up on Maria Bartiromo’s show Sunday to count all the ways President Joe Biden sucks. She claimed he’s already become a lame duck, pummeled mercilessly by the Supreme Court, the Republican Party and its interns, Joe Manchin and Kyrsten Sinema. If that’s true, Republicans should just chill on a beach somewhere and let Biden continue walking into rakes until the midterms. However, Blackburn also believes all good Americans must ACT NOW to stop Biden’s feckless reign of terror.
We should note that during the leadup to the 2018 midterms, Democrats focused specifically on how effectively awful Donald Trump’s first year in office was. That seemed like a more consistent message, but Republicans are obsessed with painting Biden as Jimmy Carter 2.0.
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Blackburn spread some vile lies about Democrats’ proposed voting rights legislation and took some time to thank the Senate’s most useless Democrat, Kyrsten Sinema, for keeping the bills from passing. Blackburn didn't condemn Sinema for supposedly backing the very bills she thinks are an unconstitutional power-grab. She knows Sinema’s support of the filibuster kills voting rights regardless.
Bartiromo and Blackburn later entertained the absurd notion that the MAGA death cult would welcome Sinema. Blackburn claimed she’s always grateful for “common sense Democrats.” However, she does have enough pride in her craft to believe Republicans shouldn’t let Sinema and Joe Manchin fuck up Biden’s agenda all by themselves.
BLACKBURN: We as Republicans can’t depend on Manchin and Sinema to do our jobs. We need to be out there communicating our message.
Wait, hold up, Republicans have a message? They didn’t have a platform in 2020 besides "Hail Trump," essentially.
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Blackburn said Americans are fed up with partisan antics. That’s probably true, but it’s also all Republicans have to offer. They have no solutions to legitimate problems. Blackburn is the same asshole who smeared Biden’s plans for universal pre-K as Soviet-style communism.
The senator from Tennessee painted a picture of Biden’s America that was just as dire as the Soviet Union’s grim final days.
BLACKBURN: [Americans] want things that are going to make their lives better.
Yeah, like universal pre-K, you hack.
BLACKBURN: They’re going to the grocery store. There’s no food. I went there Friday night. No lettuce, no celery, no berries, no avocados, at my grocery store. People want this solved.
That’s an oddly specific list. Maybe Blackburn was making some fucked-up version of guacamole.
A winter storm hit both Washington, DC, and Tennessee this weekend. Southerners always lose their damn minds when it snows more than an inch and will immediately pick the grocery store shelves clean as if preparing for Armageddon. However, Biden isn’t solely responsible for the legitimate supply chain issues grocers are facing. The Omicron variant, which the GOP is helping spread, and severe weather from climate change, which the GOP ignores, have played a significant role. California wildfires aren’t great for those avocados Blackburn enjoys.
Tennessee GOP Governor Bill Lee has banned mask mandates, despite the Omicron surge, and just 59 percent of Tennesseans are vaccinated. People are too sick to work, senator. That’s why you don’t have your goddamn avocados.
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Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He writes make believe for Cafe Nordo, an immersive theatre space in Seattle. Once, he wrote a novel called “Mahogany Slade,” which you should read or at least buy. He's also on the board of the Portland Playhouse theatre. His son describes him as a “play typer guy."