Maryland Cop Loses Job, Self-Respect After Biting Dude's Balls In Fight
If he won't look you in the eye, don't let him near your nads
An officer with the Anne Arundel County Police Department in Maryland is no longer on the force after agreeing to a plea deal following a drunken brawl outside a bar in May. We swear we are not making up a word of this description of the altercation from the Baltimore Sun:
Michael Flaig, a Northern District officer and 10-year veteran of the department, became involved in an argument with a man outside Looney's Pub in Canton after the man told Flaig to stop groping the man's female roommate, police wrote in charging documents. The interaction escalated to a physical confrontation, with the man straddling Flaig's upper body, when Flaig bit the man "in the testicle area," according to police.
Yr Wonkette wishes to emphasize that one should be especially careful to never drunkenly exclaim "Bite me, pal" in the middle of a bar fight.
Flaig had been charged with second degree assault and public intoxication; the state gave him a break and agreed to not prosecute on the assault charge if he accepted a guilty plea on the alcohol offense. Under Maryland law, Flaig will not be required to notify neighbors that he is a ball-biter, nor will he be forced to wear a muzzle. He'll serve one year of supervised probation and must pay court costs of $57.50. The Sun does not mention any possible restitution to the victim, although were Flaig an honorable person, he would at least purchase the guy a set of Truck Nutz.
An Anne Arundel County Police spokesman said that Flaig was "no longer employed" by the department as of Sept. 23, but gave no details on how exactly that state of non-employment came about. Yet another sad example of the Solid Blueballed Wall of Silence.
Flaig's attorney, Peter O'Neill, explained this was not your ordinary, run-of-the-mill Man Bites Balls story, but more of a false Flaig incident:
"The incident isn't as clear cut as it would appear," O'Neill said. "From his perspective, he was attempting to defend himself. He admitted the behavior he engaged in did result in the disturbance of the peace, but that's all he conceded."
O'Neill hinted that Flaig might have still been suffering the after-effects of a 2006 incident in which he was one of four cops involved in shooting a teenager who had charged at the officers with "nine-inch scissors." We're not familiar with any medical literature on a connection between post-traumatic stress and testicular teething, although we'll confess we only skimmed the chapter on castration anxiety in Psych 101.
The victim of the alleged crotch-chomping did not return the paper's requests for comment, possibly because he's still testy after the whole incident. This is a shame, because a French charity treating testicular injuries wanted to name him its man of the year. Guess he didn't want to be the Honoré de Ballsack. We also tried to send him a pair of underpants, but they were returned, postage due.
And finally, since we're on the topic, let's run that tape of LBJ ordering slacks one more time.
Fellas, a little something to keep in mind before you head to the local watering hole. Bit of extra room could help.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.