'Reopen Maryland' Man Finds Karma's A Bitch. And So Is Corona.


Today's edition of Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes is brought to you by Tim Walters of Linthicum, Maryland. Back in April, the perennial Republican legislative candidate co-founded the group Reopen Maryland to "support immediate, responsible reopening of our state's business, educational and religious institutions." And the way they supported it was to send 1,000 cars into Annapolis's narrow streets to honk their horns and scream about the tyranny of shutting down businesses to protect the health of Maryland's citizens.

Here's how the Washington Post reported it at the time:

For more than two hours on Saturday, however, drivers honked their horns and crowded the streets of the state capital to let it be known that they want the stay-at-home orders to end sooner rather than later. They waved American flags while holding up signs out of their car windows: "Let me work so I can feed my kids." "Quarantines are for sick people." "We are all essential." "I need a haircut."

Reopen Maryland staged its rally on April 18, when Maryland's positive test rate was about 25 percent and we were adding about 1,000 new cases and dozens of deaths every day. As a resident of the Old Line State, I can tell you that May was fucking scary, and if we hadn't all stayed in the damn house this horrible disaster could have been so, so much worse.

From Maryland's Covid Tracker

See that hospitalization curve? That's exactly why we didn't hear much from those Reopen assholes in May.

You know where this is going, right? Come on, it's so obvious.

Take it away, Capital Gazette:

A co-founder of the ReOpen Maryland movement has said on social media that he tested positive for coronavirus this week but won't work with public health officials trying to track the spread of the pandemic.

I'm fainting, Hon.

"I was diagnosed yesterday at the ER with COVID-19 and here I am months after not wearing a mask at rallies, churches and so on and so it's funny how capricious this thing is," Walters said in a video posted to his Facebook page on Tuesday. Because it's just hi-freaking-larious that this dipshit walked around for months without a mask and only got COVID this week when he showed up at the ER. Shoulda stayed home and stayed healthy, right Mister President?

Or perhaps not. The Gazette reports that Walters describes suffering from a "dry cough since March, that in recent days has worsened and expanded to include a headache, fever and loss of focus in one eye."


So let me get this straight. This sumbitch has been wandering around densely populated Anne Arundel County for FOUR FREAKING MONTHS with classic COVID-19 symptoms, refusing to wear a mask, and spewing germs all over Marylanders at church and rallies? That's not "capricious," it's bloody sociopathic!

"Capricious" would be refusing to cooperate with state contact tracers after you've spread your germs far and wide like Typhoid Mary.

"I will not share anybody's information with the government. I will not do it," he said.

In a second video posted Wednesday, Walters said he had been contacted by the state contact tracing team and decided to have his wife and members of his family tested.

Now at first blush, this might seem like the kind of antisocial behavior that gets you disinvited from the neighborhood crab feast for all eternity. But Walters knows this is really the work of ....

dana carvey what GIF by Saturday Night Live Giphy


In the third video Friday, Walters said he was feeling better and considered his illness a spiritual challenge as he starts his own church that provided non-believers a chance to criticize Christians.

"No one ever got sick at any of our rallies, to include me! Start a church, and I get sick..." he said. "I got it because Satan deemed to get it. Because he wanted to quiet my work. To slow down the building of a church. That's what this is about. But the world won't see that. Why? Because they live behind a veil. They choose to live behind a veil. They choose to hate God."

It's just so obvious, you guys. Walters didn't get coronavirus because he's a fucking dickhead who wandered around without a mask in defiance of public health officials' pleas since March. No, it's because THE DEVIL doesn't want him to open a church. Take off your god-hating veil, sheeple!

According to the Gazette, Walters is "a 53-year-old man with diabetes who hasn't maintained good health habits since he left the Navy," which puts him at elevated danger of developing complications from COVID-19. It also means that he's likely getting his healthcare at a veterans' hospital courtesy of the government and American taxpayers. But never fear, he'll still stand up for the right of Marylanders to be free from tyrannical enactments by our despotic Republican governor.


[Capital Gazette / WaPo]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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