Matt Gaetz Getting So Bored Of Congress, Wants To Go Where All The FUN Lunatics Are!

Matt Gaetz Getting So Bored Of Congress, Wants To Go Where All The FUN Lunatics Are!

BREAKING: Congressman Florida Man may be getting a new job! No more boring-ass floor votes and hours locked in a committee room breathing in Jim Jordan's bratwurst farts. Somebody has big plans to own the libs in the private sector. KA-CHING!

According to Axios, Rep. Matt Gaetz "has privately told confidants he's seriously considering not seeking re-election and possibly leaving Congress early for a job at Newsmax." Because pretending to govern is really cutting into Gaetz's full time gig as an unfuckable troll. Freed of the shackles of public service, he could travel the country spewing inanities and intimidating witnesses without having to worry about getting hassled by the Ethics Committee. Wouldn't it be a relief to be able to lick all the faces at CPAC without having to dummy up a doctor's note to blow off work in DC?

Axios's sources say that the congressman has already had preliminary talks with the low-rent Fox knockoff about what the job would look like and may consider it a stepping stone to higher office.

"While the party out of power tends to gain seats in midterm elections — creating the possibility of Republicans' taking control of the House in 2022 — a prominent spot in the media could give Gaetz a platform for a future national political role," the website notes.


Look, far be it from Your Wonkette to give career advice to a political wunderkind like Matt Gaetz. But his fellow Republican politicians who decamped for wingnut media don't seem to be contemplating a glorious return to higher office. Former senator Rick Santorum is making bank at CNN, but no one thinks this is a prelude to a public sector comeback. When House Oversight Committee chair Jason Chaffetz noped out, we mocked him for going to make Mormon porn vitamins, because we knew his reign of terror as a national politician was effectively over.

Trey Gowdy is currently mudwrestling Maria Bartiromo and Brian Kilmeade for the 7 p.m. timeslot at Fox, not because he thinks he's going to wind up back in Congress but because there's a lot more money in poisoning America in the private sector — and the hours are better, too. What better acknowledgement that the Republican Party has no interest in governing and has turned into a full-time outrage media machine?

Not for nothin', though, but those assholes wound up at networks which are actually profitable. Newsmax has to pay the cable companies to carry its garbage channel. Without Trump on social media taking potshots at Fox, Newsmax's ratings are back in the sub-basement. As CNN's Brian Stelter observed earlier this month:

Lately, however, Newsmax's audience has been about one-eighth the size of Fox's on good days, and even smaller than that on bad days. On [March 9], for example, Newsmax netted 175,000 viewers at any given time, versus Fox's 1.49 million. On [March 10], more of the same: Newsmax averaged 169,000 and Fox averaged 1.47 million.

Greg Kelly's far-right 7 p.m. broadcast continues to be Newsmax's biggest hit, but his ratings have fallen off considerably, just like the rest of the channel. There were days right after the election when Kelly topped one million viewers. Now he is usually under the half-million mark. In the 25- to 54-year-old demographic that cable news networks covet, Kelly is no longer nipping at Fox's heels. In hindsight, that day Kelly out-rated Fox's 7 p.m. hour in the 25-54 demo was a fluke.

So, not exactly KA-CHING. More like, plink plink.

The theory seems to be that Trump will inevitably attempt a comeback, and Newsmax will be able to capitalize on access to the former president — as well as his mercurial temperament and tendency to shit on Fox the moment they fail to endorse his every rancid emanation. As Axios points out, "Trump has stoked speculation he may seek a second and final term in 2024." Good math, Axios!

But Trump has been calling in to Fox, not Newsmax, and that was before the network hired his vile daughter-in-law as a commentator. What are the odds that lightning's going to strike twice for an off-off-brand outfit with production values that would make a high school AV team blush?

But, hey, if Rep. Gaetz wants to take that down escalator to Nowhereville, who are we to object, right?

[Axios / CNN]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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