Matt Gaetz And Meatball Have Stepping On Rakes Contest. The Rakes Win.

Oh man, Matt Gaetz is having a hard time, y'all. Fresh off bringing all his House Freedom Caucus buddies to a congressional SCIF so they could endanger national security and steal INPEACHMENT SEEKRITS! while farting in mason jars and snorting it just to prove Adam Schiff is not their real dad, Gaetz went on MSNBC to say that he agrees that if Donald Trump committed the crimes Donald Trump has confessed to with Ukraine, that would be VERY BAD, but he doesn't think Donald Trump committed the crimes Donald Trump has confessed to, so SHUT UP, YOU GUYS, SHUT UP!

The question was about Ambassador Bill Taylor's testimony before Congress, but Gaetz didn't want to talk about that because of how the process is RIGGED! Anchor Hallie Jackson did finally get him to agree that doing quid pro quos with Ukraine for election dirt in exchange for military aid would be VERY BAD, not that Trump did that, no he never!

"I do not believe it would be appropriate for any politician to link military aid to assistance in a future election, no," the Republican lawmaker said when [MSNBC anchor Hallie] Jackson kept pressing him to answer the question. "And I also don't think that's what the President did."

Gaetz is one of the few people in the world stupid enough to believe Donald Trump when Trump says he is very concerned with rooting out "corruption" in Ukraine. Matt Gaetz is not a smart guy. If you were picking Knowledge Bowl teams and Gaetz and Devin Nunes were the only choices left, you might pick Devin, if only because he probably knows a lot of #CowFacts.

Gaetz added that it was totally right for Trump to "follow up" on Bill Barr's laughable clownshow investigation of what REALLY happened in 2016 and spewed a bunch of right-wing bath salts conspiracy theories about how Ukraine is the REAL collusion blah blah blah, nobody cares. Of course, Trump wasn't just "following up." When Mick Mulvaney confessed to Trump's Ukraine crimes, he tried to act like none of what Trump wanted from Ukraine had anything to do with his possible 2020 election opponent Joe Biden, even though everybody knows it did. But in that Mulvaney confessional, he admitted that Trump was definitely withholding military aid from Ukraine that had already been appropriated by Congress because Trump wanted investigations into the fake 2016 conspiracy theories that live in his and Rudy Giuliani's taint hair. Which is also highly illegal and wrong and bad and an abuse of power! And Mulvaney would know, because he ordered the hold on the military aid!

But goddammit, Matt Gaetz, Trump has confessed to ALL OF THIS!

He confessed this week on Twitter that he was withholding military aid from Ukraine.

He confessed when he released the transcript of his July 25 treason call with President Volodymyr Zelenskiy.

He confessed that he SURE AS HELL DID ask Zelenskiy to investigate Joe Biden standing on the helipad at the White House.

He's confessed to ALL OF IT, you fucking idiot, Matt Gaetz!

But sure, just say on TV that you don't think Trump did the thing Trump said he did. You garbage-brained lummox.

It seems only appropriate here to go ahead and share at you the video that's been going around of Matthew Whitaker AKA MEATBALL MCPEENERTOILET on the Fox News saying that abuse of power is not a crime, therefore Donald Trump is very innocent of all things.

Meatball said he knows this to be true because he is a lawyer, even though abuse of power is right square in the bulls eye of "high crimes and misdemeanors" a president can and should be impeached for.

But sure, Meatball. There is not a specific crime on the lawbooks called "abuse of power," not that impeachment requires the commission of an actual crime, but give yourself a Snausage anyway, Meatball!


Meatball and Matt Gaetz are two weird-lookin' dumbshit motherfuckers, the end.

[Talking Points Memo]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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