Matt Gaetz Too Stupid For Laura Ingraham

Whinyass little bitch Matt Gaetz always takes it a bit too far. After Nancy Pelosi ripped up the transcript of Trump's lies at the State of the Union on Tuesday, the triggered Gippers cried hot tears over this grievous assault on civility. The alt-right babymen soiled their Spongebob Underoos in impotent rage. Professional douchebags Charlie Kirk and Carl Higbie even demanded that the speaker be prosecuted for destroying an official document in violation of federal records laws, and the wingers dutifully beelined over to Fox to regurgitate it into the gaping maws of the waiting rubes.

But only Matt Gaetz, Congressman Florida Man, was stupid enough to pretend that their fake outrage was an actual thing.

Describing Trump's mendacious rant as "an uplifting celebration of diversity of the American experience and the triumph of the American spirit," Gaetz demands that the House Ethics Committee censure the speaker and refer her to the Justice Department for criminal prosecution.

There is no question that Speaker Pelosi "mutilated, obliterated, or destroyed" the copy of the President's address provided to her at the beginning of the evening. The video evidence is clear and abundant, and the Speaker herself told reporters that she tore up this document because it was "the courteous thing to do given the alternatives."

Accordingly, after the House Committee on Ethics thoroughly investigates this matter and recommends Speaker Pelosi's censure, I urge you to make all appropriate referrals to the Department of Justice for further investigation and prosecution.

UH HUH. Well, as the Washington Post points out, there are a few small problems with this argument. Namely, a copy of a speech is not a federal record, Speaker Pelosi is not a legal custodian, and the House of Representatives is not the National Archives. But other than that, William and Mary Law School must be so proud of its distinguished alum's masterful legal reasoning.

This would be the same Matt Gaetz who invaded the congressional SCIF with a band of cellphone-wielding dipshits during the impeachment hearings. The same Matt Gaetz who threatened Michael Cohen before he testified to Congress. The Matt Gaetz who managed a rare moment of bipartisanship at the impeachment hearings by referring to Hunter Biden's substance abuse issues, prompting great gales of laughter when Rep. Hank Johnson said pointedly, "I don't know what members, if any, have had any problems with substance abuse, been busted in DUI, I don't know, but if I did, I wouldn't raise it against anyone on this committee. I don't think it's proper." Because there wasn't a person in that room who didn't know about Gaetz's DUI arrest, or that Gaetz is a bloody idiot.

Even Laura Ingraham, a con artist who makes her living pretending to believe all manner of unconstitutional horseshit, let the mask drop a little bit when Gaetz tried out his spiffy new legal theory.

"She disgraced the House of Representatives, she embarrassed our country and she destroyed official records," he blarped proudly.

Sadly, Laura Ingraham, a former Supreme Court clerk, wasn't having it.

"Well, it's not really a formal record because it's a copy of the speech that the president signed. … This is cute, but it's not going to work."

How damn dumb do you have to be for Laura Ingraham to pat you on the head and say, well, you tried, sweetie? We're talking about a woman who went on national television and pretended to drink a plate of steak with lightbulbs stuck in it to own the libs.

But Ingraham does award Gaetz points for abusing his office, wasting congressional resources, and inviting the Justice Department to wrongfully investigate his political opponent. Because that's just good, clean fun!

Look out, Laura, your slip is showing.


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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


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