Poor, sad Matt Gaetz! After sticking his wayward weener in the wringer — and reportedly possibly several teenage women, ALLEGEDLY— he's been cast out of the Garden of Eden, with President P-Grabber's aides barring him from the royal presence.

Every paper in America has a story about Gaetz being investigated for paying very young women for sex, but allegations that he's on the outs with Trump seem to piss him off most of all. Politico and the Daily Beast both report being threatened by Gaetz's crack PR team for saying their client is persona non grata in Trumpland.

"We are seeking an immediate print and on-air statement of retraction. Failure to comply with this request may result in litigation," pro-Trump pundit Erin Elmore howled in an email to Politico. Her boss Harlan Hill, head of the Logan Circle Group, could be forgiven for thinking this might work, since he's clearly three babies stuffed in daddy's sport jacket. But Elmore, a former "Apprentice" contestant and IRL lawyer, should absolutely know better than to send such nonsensical threats.

Of course, DB and Politico ignored Elmore, going so far to publish excerpts of her gibberish. And now CNN has confirmed the story, adding even more hilarious detail, saying that Gaetz showed up at Doral this weekend hoping to get face time with his Real Daddy, only to find himself boxed out by aides.


Two people familiar with the matter said Gaetz tried to schedule a visit with Trump after it was first revealed that he was being investigated, but the request was rejected by aides close to the former President, who have urged Trump not to stick his neck out to defend Gaetz. Harlan Hill, a spokesman for Gaetz, said the congressman did not request a meeting with Trump this week.

At the last minute, Gaetz was added to the lineup as a speaker at the Women for America First event at Doral. Like the event organizers, who also planned the pre-insurrection tailgate on January 6, Gaetz was apparently crossing his fingers that he'd run into Trump and be welcomed back into the fold like a long lost Roy Moore.

CNN says the appearance on Trump's doorstep was viewed as a "blatant attempt to reach Trump and his supporters" by the former president's coterie, one of whom described being "under the impression that Gaetz went down there to try and run into Trump or people around him."

Naturally Gaetz denies the story.

And Trump's lackey Jason Miller chimed in to call it "complete fake news." And if you can't trust that guy, who can you trust?

If Gaetz was trying to throw himself into Trump's path, it didn't work. The former president was far too busy shitting all over Mitch McConnell to make time for Congressman Blabbercock.

But in the meantime, the Florida-size dimensions of Peenergaetz are starting to poke through, and it is some crazy, crooked junk.

The New York Times has a deep dive into Gaetz's wingman Joel Greenberg, who is expected to plead guilty next month to some of the eleventy-seven crimes charged in the latest indictment. Come for the woman ramming her car into a tree outside Greenberg's house after a (possibly paid) sexual encounter, stay for him burning his wife's clothes after she refused to come back to the marital home.

And it appears there may be another drug angle in the unfolding scandal — you know, besides the ecstasy Gaetz is alleged to have shared with very young women he paid for sex. Dr. Jason "Marijuana Handjob" Pirozzolo is alleged to have subsidized Gaetz's trip to the Bahamas, including female escorts, and their plane was stopped by immigration authorities on its return to Fort Lauderdale, whereupon federal investigators questioned one of the women on the plane and seized her phone.

Florida attorney Daniel Uhlfelder has a long Twitter thread on the way Pirozzolo and the rest of Gaetz's pals hoped to carve up the Sunshine State's nascent medical marijuana industry.

Halsey Beshears, former head of the state's Department of Business and Professional Regulation, who served in the state legislature with Gaetz before he moved on to Congress, was also on the flight. Beshears's family nursery was a direct beneficiary of a law sponsored by Gaetz in 2014 to parcel out licenses to grow marijuana.

Beshears's family owns a stake in Trulieve, a marijuana dispensing company. After Trulieve made a $25,000 contribution to Governor Ron DeSantis's political committee, the governor decided that capping the amount of THC in medical pot was just a terrible idea. Trulieve's lobbying firm Ballard Partners, helmed by Brian Ballard, the Trump donor who spent four years bringing Florida-style swampiness to the shores of the Potomac, has a pretty good in with DeSantis's chief of staff Adrian Lukis. Sylvester Lukis, Adrian's father, is Ballard's managing partner. Convenient!

And, oh, lookie here, Chris Dorworth, another Ballard lobbyist, just resigned from the firm after the New York Times reported that he and Gaetz plotted to ratfuck a state senate race in Florida by secretly supporting a third party candidate to siphon votes from the Democrat.

Clearly, we have not lived a good enough life that this scandal could take out Ron DeSantis, too. But ... a girl can dream, right?

[CNN / NYT]

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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