Matt Gaetz Wraps Impeachment Hearing Around Tree

You know ... there are people who should say certain things, and people who should not. For instance, that time OJ Simpson wrote If I Did It -- it would probably have been a good idea for him to just not say that collection of words at that particular time.

Florida Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-I'm Fine, Ossifer) gave us a good case study in this today during the impeachment markup hearing in the House Judiciary Committee. Desperate to make the hearing about (debunked) allegations of nefarious Biden activity in Ukraine, and NOT Trump's attempted election-stealing crimes, Gaetz thought it would be good to talk about Hunter Biden's substance abuse issues and DUI.

Oh fiddlesticks, we meant to post the video of what Gaetz said, not that mugshot!

Here 'tis:


Like ... that would be like Donald Trump Jr. accusing Hunter Biden of grifting off his dad's name HAHAHAHAHA Junior did that.

It would be like Donald Trump accusing somebody else of "small hands" or "bad skin" or "Yeti pubes."

Democratic Rep. Hank Johnson was the fucking hero the moment, because as we were all saying "OH MY GOD LOL" and tweeting Gaetz's mugshot, Johnson solemnly said in a VERY House decorum way, "I would say that the pot calling the kettle black is not something that we should do," and everybody in the room LOLOLed, because they got the joke.

Johnson continued:

I don't know what members, if any, have had any problems with substance abuse, been busted in DUI, I don't know, but if I did, I wouldn't raise it against anyone on this committee. I don't think it's proper.

It's funny because, Johnson is a big fibber when he says he doesn't know who might have had a wee DUI problem, MATT GAETZ.

Here was Gaetz's face when Johnson said that:

Oh golly God, there's that mugshot again, whoops.

This was his face.

His complexion reminds us of ... something. And then there's the fact that his entire head looks bloated 100 percent of the time.


As we all know, Matt Gaetz was pulled over on suspicion of DUI in 2008, as he drove home from a club called Swamp (yep) in his daddy's BMW SUV. The ossifer officer, as the Tampa Bay Timesexplains, said Gaetz's eyes were "watery and bloodshot," and he "swayed and staggered" when he exited Daddy's BMW. It went on from there like a normal DUI stop, but Gaetz didn't blow. We guess Daddy taught him that much.

Gaetz was not fully prosecuted, much less convicted. And let's just say that the circumstances surrounding that lack of prosecution/conviction read pretty weird. Gaetz also has a very powerful Daddy, did we mention that? We are not saying the two are connected, because we don't know for sure. We are just mentioning it.

Did we mention that Gaetz has had a lot of run-ins with the badge-toting driving monitors known as policemen? Lots of speeding tickets, rear-ended a constituent, and so on. (At this point, we'd like to be clear about the fact that rumors about Gaetz's alleged dead college roommate and him having "seven DUIs" and things of that sort are SNOPES DOT COM "MOSTLY FALSE." If any legitimate reporting comes out demonstrating otherwise, we will absolutely let you know.)

Point is, people who live in glass houses shouldn't hurl empty six packs of White Claw at the walls of their glass houses, or however the famous expression goes, or whatever Hank Johnson said, that was a good thing to say, Hank Johnson for Congress, oh wait he's already in Congress, the end.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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