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May We Have Some More?

Wonkebago

Hello my sweethearts hello my darlings hello my ragtime gaaaaals! It is the time when we gather around the pic-a-mick blanket and also pick your pocket, you lucky fucks!

How is this day different from all other days? It is not. It is the same.

We don't want to freak you out, but yesterday Upworthy laid off most of its staff, and our educated guess would be Facebook deciding that the people who like Upworthy do not want to see posts from Upworthy. Here, for instance, is the traffic Facebook now sends to Wonkette.


Look at all that zero traffic! We, like the rest of the liberal blogosphere, must be very fake news. Where's our congressional hearing, Republicans? Oh, those are just for Infowars, Diamond and Silk, and the Gateway Pundit? How about that.

Let's see, where were we? Oh yeah, WE NEED MONEY, and we made it easier for you to GIVE IT TO US. We are ad-free, tracker-free, don't fuck up your puter, and are SOLELY reliant on the generous hearts and open bank accounts of LIBERAL DO-GOODERS what DO GOOD and also ARE TERRIBLE! My god, the mouths on you.

See that pretty donate button over in the sidebar? It doesn't take you to five different pages to complete your donation any more, and no longer asks you for your social and your mother's maiden name. That tip jar at the bottom of posts? Well, actually it isn't working right this second. BUT THE SIDEBAR STILL IS! (Update, we think the tip jar is working again. MAYBE YOU SHOULD TEST IT AND SEE!) And why would you do this? Because you feel bad that we have to watch these sumbitches 10 hours a day, our blood pressure rising and our fat asses growing, and we do it for YOU. Why else would you do this? A MIGHTY FEELING OF SUPERIORITY to your SHITFERBRAIN NEIGHBORS. A third reason you might do this? Well, we doubled our freelance bill with NEW WRITERS YOU LOVE, and almost-doubled our server bill with a NEW PLATFORM YOU HAVEN'T BEEN BITCHING ABOUT AS MUCH LATELY. A fourth reason you might give us money? To MAKE THE PIE HIGHER! The 3,000 people a month who now keep us in pic-a-micks can't do it all, and we're still $13,000 under for the year, and it goes straight to mama's credit cards, and probably her hips.

A fifth reason? Scroll up. Look at that punim. Ready, set, MONEY!

Also, if you're still on Facebook, you could share a post or two, but who even goes there anymore? That place sucks, and such small portions. Okay, we love you, MONEY.

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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Hooray, it's time for yet another dispatch from Fox News's big fun week of failure. (No, we mean even more failure than usual.) While all of Twitter is being annoying and talking incessantly about nothing but Bran and Daenerys and Carl and Peg or whoever they are, we have been (ignoring it and) focusing on all Fox's sadness, starting with Pete Buttigieg's town hall, where he called Fox News a piece of shit to its face. Then we laughed and laughed at Fox News idiot Pete Hegseth, who is sending lots of begging to today's college graduates, that they might immediately get dropped on their heads and forget all their education, so they might grow up to be the Fox News viewers of the future.

Oh, and we haven't even had a chance to LOL at the epic hilarity of Steve Doocy trying to do man-on-the-street interviews in Midtown Manhattan, shoving the mic into the faces of New Yorkers who literally don't care if he goes and plays in traffic. That was fun!

But the point of this post is that we have finally learned what makes at least some Fox News viewers tick, and it is that Tucker Carlson "laughs like a girl." That is not us saying that, that is a Fox News fan lady telling the Washington Post's Erik Wemple why she loves Tucker Carlson so much.

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Old White Guys Try To Explain Abortion

Throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It's your Sunday show rundown!

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Michael is out, so I'm taking over your Sunday Show Rundown. This week everyone was talking about those awful abortion laws worming their way through state legislatures. As usual, most of the men were tripping on their dicks while trying to talk about vag. Luckily, there's enough women around to ladysplain things.

Bernie Sanders went on Meet the Press for the first time in FOREVER and played his greatest hits for all the kids. Sanders criticized Joe Biden's environmental policy (which is literally just "beat Trump"), stating that it wasn't "good enough." Sanders is right! (NO FIGHTING.)

SANDERS: Beating Trump is not good enough. You have to beat the fossil fuel industry, you have to take on all the forces of the status quo who do not want to move this country to energy efficiency and sustainable energy.

But then Chuck Todd asked Bernie a loaded question about women getting "sex-selective" abortions and the whole interview went off the rails. Bernie struggled to answer the dumbass question and came across looking stupid despite having spent the better part of the last week in Alabama railing against abortion bans.

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