May We Have Some More Please?
Good morning, wonkers of love! It is that time of month again, no not that one, it is the time of month when I say AIYEEEEEEE Wonkette is totally ad-free now and has been for some time, and we ain't got no VC funding, and we ain't got no Soros Bux, and we DO have extra writers to pay so we can take weekends off and NOT DIE OF TRUMP POISONING but that means we are spending MORE money than we were and you are sending LESS money than you were, and if you can possibly afford it, will you please put Wonkette in your will, but like your will NOW, every month while you are LIVING, like a Henry Winkler (aren't you sad Henry Winkler is doing those commercials? me too!) reverse mortgage of wills, instead of after you die, which will surely be many, many, many long years from now unless we all fall over dead of TRUMPBOLA, by which I mean high blood pressure and ulcers?
As of now, we are running about $7,000 (!!!) behind for the month, and while we still have a bit of a buffer left over from the first month we announced we were going ad-free and you sent a PENT-UP amount of LOOT, that would be gone by next month and is unsustainable, and have we mentioned that we love you?
As we have mentioned at ya, out of our close to one million readers per month, a BIG CHUNK of those get here by accident and say "hmmm I suspect mayhap this hive of scum and villainy is not the politicks website for me!" But there are about 9,000 of you who are what is called in industry parlance the "core audience," which means you visit on average one hundred thousand times per month (you know who you are!) and yet only about 3,000 of you are sending us all the whore diamonds. Will you please click here and send us money, but like do it as a recurring payment instead of a one-off? (One-offs are good too, but then every month we have to ask you for money again, and you are embarrassed and we are embarrassed, and we have to keep thinking of new ways to say MONEY PLEASE!)
Here are the things we do with your money: We pay Evan and Dok and me the same decent amount of living wage (for Idaho, Tennessee and Montana, anyway); we pay Shy a quarter of that because he only fixes the website part-time and the rest of the time is my AWESOME HOUSE HUSBAND OF LUXURY; we pay Robyn and the freelancers a really decent little freelance wage for Freelancers On The Internet Who Are Not Daily Beast; we buy hosting and Business Things That Cost Money; we gas up the Wonkebago and take it to your small town and cook you meats and tofus, when you bring the tofus; we pay off whatever is left of the $37 and a sandwich we owe Ken Layne for selling us this joint; we pay lawyers sometimes. (NOT OFTEN, because we are PRETTY GOOD AT THIS.)
And here is what YOU get from what we do with your money: The smartest, funniest, shriekiest liberal politics site on the Internet, where you can come to get every day's REAL NEWS told by smart people, with facts and analysis and all that jizz, but with #jokes so you don't throw up all day every day from that thing that is going around, and that thing is President Donald Trump, urgh glog barfalot.
Also you get baby pictures and ponies and Friendship, which is Magic.
So please, if you can, will you sign up for a recurring donation today and then not cancel it three months later? That would be greeeeat.
Now you may have more baby.
Did you see what we did there? We went back in time and showed you all the times you have FED THE BABY. Sometimes it was cakes we like, and sometimes it was roadside blackberries, and sometimes it was daddy's cocktail, and sometimes it was SOUP!
We love you.
Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.