Meatball McPeenerToilet Didn't Like Merrick Garland's Speech, So There's One Yelp Review

Remember Matthew Whitaker, the guy whose entire qualification for being the (acting) attorney general, as far as we can tell, was that he used to be on the board of a start-up that designed prototype toilets for guys whose penises were just too big? You know, the one Wonkette named "Meatball" for zero reason besides he just reminds us of somebody whose mom literally named them Meatball? The one who walked around the halls of the Justice Department every day he was (acting) attorney general, singing a song that went "I'm Meatball McPeenerToilet, biggest peener toilet in town! I'm Meatball McPeenerToilet, makin' other peener toilets frown!"

OK fine, he didn't sing that song, we just wrote it, which means he wasn't able to use it during his esteemed tenure at Justice.

Anyway, he didn't like (actual) Attorney General Merrick Garland's speech today on the state of the January 6 investigations and prosecutions. Here he is explaining on Fox News how Garland's speech was "below the office of the attorney general."

Because Meatball knows what is "below the office of the attorney general." You betcha.

So here's what happened in Merrick Garland's speech, as far as we could see. Garland, in his very mild-mannered way, tried to tell us all to cool our fuckin' horses and hold our jets.

He said there is "no higher priority" at the Department of Justice than holding everyone accountable who made the January 6 terrorist attacks happen. He explained, "In complex cases, initial charges are often less severe than later charged offenses. This is purposeful, as investigators methodically collect and sift through more evidence." That sounds to us like a less-than-subtle retort to those who are worried accountability won't reach beyond the relatively weenus charges we've seen so far for the two-bit rednecks who did the grunt work of actually attacking the Capitol that day.

Garland seemed to clearly say the Justice Department is investigating people at much higher levels than the charges we've seen so far: "The Justice Department remains committed to holding all January perpetrators, at any level, accountable under the law, whether they were present that day, or were otherwise criminally responsible for the assault on our democracy. We’ will follow the facts wherever they lead." Emphasis is ours. We hope he meant the parts we emphasized.

And if you're worried Garland's DOJ is only focused on the specific acts that happened that day, he did find time in his speech to mention the "unfounded claims of material vote fraud in the 2020 election," which of course were the entire Big Lie from Donald Trump that incited the attacks in the first place. Garland said, "Those claims that have corroded people’s faith in the legitimacy of our elections have been repeatedly refuted by the law enforcement and intelligence agencies of both the last administration and this one, as well as by every court — federal and state — that has considered them."

What that says about whether powerful people will actually face charges for trying to mount a literal coup and overturn the election, we don't know yet. From what we can tell by watching the necessarily and correctly more transparent work of the House January 6 Select Committee, you'd have to indict members of Congress, the former president, and many of his former advisers.

But indeed, we hope the sheer vastness of the investigation into the conspiracy is why it's taking so long. Garland mentioned Watergate, and speeches like this are pretty carefully written, so we doubt it was an accident. We hope we're right to read this as Garland telling us to hold on to our pots, and that watched tits never boil.

God, we are terrible at remembering how expressions go.

We're just glad we got to see Meatball on TV and be reassured he's healthy and happy, bless his heart.


Meatball McPeenerToilet Probably Too Stupid To Testify For Congress, TBH

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And now it is your OPEN THREAD.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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