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Acting Attorney General Matthew "My appointment was probably illegal but have you seen my special toilets for penises that are too big for regular toilets?" Whitaker, better known 'round these parts as MEATBALL, is supposed to be testifying before the House Judiciary Committee tomorrow.

BUT MAYBE HE WON'T! You see, he's mad. He knows those mean Democrats are not the boss of him and that his real dad is the guy in the Oval Office who appointed him for the sole purpose of improperly interfering with the work of Special Counsel Robert Mueller, and besides, HE GETS THE MEAT SWEATS WHEN HE'S SCARED. (See above, and also here.)

Meatball has been going back and forth with House Judiciary Committee chair Jerry Nadler the past few weeks about his upcoming testimony, with Nadler giving him the questions super early, so Meatball can practice some lies, and Nadler giving him ample time to let the committee knows if he plans to annoy them with any horseshit claims of "executive privilege." Nadler has also told Meatball that if he does not appear, he's ready to jam a subpoena up Meatball's ass, and it will be such a big subpoena it will clog up even the largest peener toilet, designed for the world's most impressively be-peener-ed man, when Meatball manages to poop it out.

Are you sitting down? Are you sitting down in a good position for laughing your fucking ass off? Because Meatball has responded to Nadler, and his response is "I WON'T TESTIFY UNLESS YOU PROMISE NOT TO MAKE ME TESTIFY!"


"I remain willing to appear to testify tomorrow, provided that the chairman assures me that the committee will not issue a subpoena today or tomorrow, and that the committee will engage in good faith negotiations before taking such a step down the road," Whitaker said in a statement.

LOL yeah, you bet. Hey Meatball, why don't you spoon a nice bolognese sauce all over your body and GO FUCKING EAT YOURSELF? Oh wait, we think that's Jerry Nadler's line. Wonkette sorry, Jerry Nadler!

Anyway, DOJ says unless Nadler pinky swears not to do any subpoenas to Meatball by 6:00 PM today, he ain't showin' up and you can't make him. (FACTCHECK: Actually ...)

You see, what's at issue here is that Nadler has threatened to subpoena Whitaker to show up and to answer questions about how Trump very obviously appointed him to be his personal hack at the Justice Department, and the Judiciary Committee voted to give Nadler that authority. And Meatball says "NUH UH UNFAIR!"

Nadler has said that it's not that he wants to have to subpoena Meatball's testimony, it's just that Trump administration assholes have this adorable little habit of coming before Congress and giving bullshit reasons for why they can't answer questions. (See: Sessions, Jefferson Butterscotch.)

"The committee can and should expect a direct answer to any question," said Nadler, who opted to send Whitaker his questions in advance and require that he tell the panel of any plans to invoke executive privilege at least 48 hours before the hearing. "That deadline has come and gone . . . therefore I expect the acting attorney general to answer all of these questions without equivocation."

Pretty simple, right? No, apparently not. First a DOJ official told The Daily Beast that "We're not aware of any rules that govern a set amount of time when one needs to invoke executive privilege," and "We do intend to respond, fulsomely addressing the executive-privilege issue in a letter before the hearing." (Apparently that particular DOJ official doesn't know that "fulsomely" does not actually mean "fully," unless they were saying Meatball planned to write an "excessively complimentary or flattering" letter to Jerry Nadler, like "Ohhhhhhhhh Meatball think Jerry Nadler SEXXXY, Jerry Nadler make Meatball go VROOM VROOM in his DOWN THERE MEATBALLS! So like, can Meatball, like, not answer questions and stuff?")

Should we note here that actually it's Donald Trump who has to invoke "executive privilege," even if it's a bullshit invocation of it? Because that's a true fact.

But anyway, if you'll pardon us, we think the real issue here is that Meatball is simply too stupid to appear on live TV in front of Democrats and the rest of the freedom-loving world. The Daily Beast reports that Meatball's prep for this testimony has gone BAD. Others have been hearing that El Dipshit hasn't been studying for his test in the first place. And even though the letter just sent by DOJ legislative affairs director Stephen Boyd to Jerry Nadler says Meatball is fully prepared to say Donald Trump never extracted promises from Meatball -- which may be true, because Meatball may not actually need to be directly ordered to act as a Trump-licking sycophant piece of dogshit -- he still doesn't want to answer all the other big hard scary questions Nadler and his fellow Democrats will ask.

Here are Nadler's hard questions, if you want to read them. For instance, they want to know if Meatball actively pursued his current position before Trump fired Jeff Sessions; whether he talked to the White House about ignoring the DOJ ethics lawyers and not recusing himself from the Mueller investigation; whether Trump has attempted to obstruct DOJ investigations by leaning on his trusty little Meatball since he was appointed; and if Meatball had anything to do with pressuring Robert Mueller to issue that non-denial denial of BuzzFeed's story about Trump directing Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. They're actually not hard questions, unless you have something to hide.

Also, maybe Meatball thinks if he stalls he can get out of this, because he won't be acting attorney general much longer. The Senate Judiciary Committee just voted to advance the nomination of William Barr to be the real, Senate-confirmed attorney general, and the full body likely will approve him next week. Of course, that doesn't change diddlyfuck about Jerry Nadler's demands for testimony from the overgrown (ALLEGEDLY!) 'roided out turd who's been keeping the seat warm in the meantime.

Wonkette will, of course, be liveblogging the entire shitshow (unless it goes past 5:00 PM, at which time it's the weekend, suck it haters), you know, assuming Meatball is able to muster up the courage to show up.

So, you know, 50/50 chance, if we're being FULSOMELY generous.

[Washington Post]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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