Meet Briscoe Cain, The Texas Rep Idiot Who Death Threated Beto Last Night. WHAT A BIG MAN!
Beto O'Rourke had a good debate last night. First of all, he was warned beforehand that he was not allowed to say his normal campaign speech, which is "COCK DICK MOTHERFUCKER PISS WHISTLE BOOTIE HOLE WEENER WEENER WEENER" -- fits on a long bumper sticker! -- because there wouldn't be a delay to bleep out his naughtiness, and he mostly remained cuss-free! Candidates on the stage seemed like they were having a competition to say nice things to Beto, specifically about how amazing he's been speaking out after the horrific mass terrorist shooting in his hometown of El Paso. We reckon that while Beto may not be in striking distance of becoming one of the frontrunners in the presidential race, he's about at the front of the pack when it comes to the veepstakes, especially if somebody like Warren wins. (Those frontrunners are not idiots. They would like to win Texas.)
And one of Beto's big moments came when he was asked if he was FOR REAL when he said he was gonna grab yer guns, specifically your AR-15s and your AK-47. His answer? Fuck yes he is. Or rather, because he was not allowed to say cusses, FUDGE YEAH!
"I am, if it's a weapon that was designed to kill people on a battlefield. If the high-impact, high-velocity round, when it hits your body, shreds everything inside of your body, because it was designed to do that, so that you would bleed to death on a battlefield and not be able to get up and kill one of our soldiers.
When we see that being used against children, and in Odessa, I met the mother of a 15-year-old girl who was shot by an AR-15, and that mother watched her bleed to death over the course of an hour because so many other people were shot by that AR-15 in Odessa and Midland, there weren't enough ambulances to get to them in time. Hell, yes, we're going to take your AR-15, your AK-47. We're not going to allow it to be used against our fellow Americans anymore."
It's like the Got Yer Nose game, except Beto is going to play it with idiots with AR-15s. GOT YER GUN!
Beto's campaign followed up with a tweet:
He also called out Donald Trump several times, saying correctly that the El Paso attack and others like it are directly influenced by the white supremacist in the White House. Like we said, he had a good debate.
Any-hoo, this caught the attention of a BIG MAN TEXAS LAWMAKER GUNHUMPER named Briscoe Cain (really), who was sorely displeased with the notion, so displeased indeed that he stupidly decided to tweet a death threat. Or maybe it was an offer to give Beto his gun. Or maybe it was a weird come-on of some sort. Point is Cain insists it was not a death threat, and that we are stupid for thinking it is, and those are the only other possibilities we can think of.
Beto called him out, and was smart enough to do it with a screengrab of Cain's tweet, since it was pretty clear from the number of people reporting the tweet that Twitter would be taking the threat down sooner or later:
Briscoe Cain responded back:
This entire week we have been surprised by nothing more than the apostrophe in "you're" in that tweet from Briscoe Cain. Isn't that wild? Maybe one of his kids did it for him.
So who is Briscoe Cain and did his mom really name him after a gay porn character, you may ask? Well, you won't be surprised to learn that he is a BIG MAN. On Twitter, he describes himself as a Texas state rep, a "father of 4 boys," and also as a "gorgeous wife." Don't believe us? Look.
So Gorgeous Wife Briscoe Cain is threatening Beto O'Rourke. This story is interesting!
He's also a very smart man. In ranking the best and worst state legislators, Texas Monthly called Cain, who represents the Deer Park suburb of Houston, one of the worst, noting in 2017 that this is a man who tried to defund palliative care, because he thought it was a death panel. (UPDATE: We forgot to tell you! OMG can't believe we forgot! He also wants to ban "Austin." Because Austin found a way to keep funding abortion providers after the Texas lege tried to stop them. Read all about it here!)
And he's, of course, one of those creepy southern gentlemen who's obsessed with where trans folks pee. He has referred to violence against transgender people as "dudes walking around in dresses getting beat up." Strangely, though, when he was running for his seat, he himself became a target of an anti-gay flier, disavowed by Republican primary incumbent opponent Wayne Smith, but pretty clearly in support of Smith, which claimed Cain was "well known to those who frequent Montrose area night clubs and gay bars." (That is where a lot of gay stuff is in Houston.)
The flier, which featured old pictures of Cain doing snorkels and making out with naked man statues, was rightly condemned as nasty gay-baiting, and Cain denied the allegations therein. Cain, for the record, is married, and this is presumably why he refers to himself as "gorgeous wife" in his Twitter bio, because he doesn't know how the fuck Twitter bios work. What he intends to say is that he HAS A "GORGEOUS WIFE," OK? That is probably information he wants to make sure you know, on account of how he's got nothing to prove, much like Jerry Falwell Jr. and his LARGE LIGHTHOUSE WONDERCOCK THAT DOESN'T FIT IN HIS WIFE.
Anyway, Cain obviously won that race, and he did it with the endorsements of all the worst anti-gay bigots in America behind him.
And here he is now, BIG MAN-ning at Beto O'Rourke and saying "GOT YOUR AR-15 RIGHT HERE, ROBERT FRANCIS!"
All we're saying is that we're starting to get a pretty good composite picture of who this dude is. And if the FBI is doing its fucking job, it's doing the same.
In summary and in conclusion, here are two more pictures of Briscoe Cain, who is NOT a gay porner starring in the upcoming Titan Men production of "TEXAS TOPS 3: EVERYTHING'S BIGGER IN TEXAS!" because that is not even a film (hi, Titan Men!), and Briscoe Cain would never audition for a role like that, because he's NOT A GAY PORNER.
[transcript via NPR]
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