Meet Dennis, The Iowa GOP-er All Buttered Up About Boner Fraud. Dennis Is Weird.
Everyone, please meet Dennis Guth, pictured above with the porny mustache, who is just your typical run-of-the-mill Iowa Republican state senator who happens to want a record of which people in Iowa are official fans of the D. Stop laughing, this is a normal serious bill from a normal serious person.
Guth's bill, Senate File 2130, isn't just a directory where you can look up some hot piece o' Iowa ass to find out if they play on the samesies team. It is to protect marriage. Specifically, it would punish people for "fraudulent concealment" of their sexual orientation on a marriage license. In other words, if you are an Iowa Republican guy with a big mustache and you wanted to marry a lady, your marriage license would specifically have to say that you are a heterosexual man. But if years go by and your porn mustache turns gray and you get divorced because actually you were a closet case this whole time and now you're coming out, then you could be penalized for "fraudulent concealment" for purposes of child custody, and so on.
Now before you say something like "What in the fuck" or "We sure are glad Iowa doesn't have any other problems if they're worried about this," you should look at the text of the bill so you can make fun of it even more:
In case you cannot read that, it says that on marriage licenses of Dennis Guth's dreams, you would have to check the box to say you are bisexual, heterosexual, homosexual, "questioning or unsure" or "an identity not listed," at which point you need to "please specify." Dennis Guth is just curious, that is all. And if you just make up something funny for "please specify," then you better be ready to show your work!
For purposes of law, such nefarious boner frauds would be put on the same level as domestic abuse when deciding custody sharing arrangements, were Guth's bill to pass.
So that's weird.
As The Gazette out of Cedar Rapids points out, such "fraudulent concealment" of what really makes your bathing suit area perky would, under this bill, be more important than if you left your kid alone with a sex offender or something. But this is necessary, says Guth, and here is why:
[Guth] said he brought Senate File 2130 on behalf of a constituent who was involved in a marriage dissolution "where her spouse falsified his sexual orientation and then later on she was not able to reveal that when she went to court. So this is just going to allow people in that specific situation to voice this in court," he said.
He falsified his sexual orientation! It was boner forgery, most foul!
You'll be shocked to learn that Dennis Guth is just generally real fuckin' weird. He used to be on the board of THE FAMiLY LEADER, one of the most bizarre of the regional state-level anti-gayness hate groups, and yes, that is how they stylize their name. Back in 2011, THE FAMiLY LEADER pushed an anti-gay pledge for all Republican presidential candidates to sign (Michele Bachmann signed!), in which they promised they were against all things gay, and also Sharia law, because of how gays are always imposing that on everyone.
The head of THE FAMiLY LEADER, Bob Vander Plaats, once compared the threats of gayness to the dangers of secondhand smoke, because we suppose if two guys are boning in front of you they might accidentally blow all over you, who even fucking knows. Anyway, yeah, secondhand gayness, yep, that's what we just typed.
Guth also agrees with Vander Plaats that homosexuality is a "public health risk," and back in 2013 was just really worried that if two dudes had unprotected sex, his whole family might get the crotch crickets. Or maybe he was saying something a little bit more complicated than that, who can even say, the point is that the gays are doing "health risk" to his whole family:
"There are health risks that my family incurs because of the increase of sexually transmitted infections that this lifestyle invites," Guth said on the Senate floor in 2013, adding that "deep loneliness … accompanies a life based on youth, beauty and sex."
That sentence starts one way and then ends with what sounds like jealousy. Psychotherapists, have fun!
Also in 2013, after Guth said all that shit on the Iowa Senate floor about secondhand gay and gays giving his family the #CoronaCrotch, an openly gay (now former) state senator named Matt McCoy was like "the fuck?" McCoy suggested maybe Guth was just really ignorant and maybe should get to know some gays, and Guth said he would definitely like to go to lunch with McCoy, to "get to know each other."
We really only included that last paragraph because we wanted to type #CoronaCrotch. No clue if they went to lunch or if they got to know each other, and don't care.
Point is, Dennis Guth is a fucking weirdo, he's makin' a list of Iowa boners, he's checkin' it twice, the end.
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