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He'll let you call him Daddy.


Y'all, please shake hands with Trenton Garmon. He's Roy Moore's Bible-humpin' brain-thinkin' lawyer, and he went on the MSNBC program "Velshi & Ruhle" to get his ass kicked to death, because that is what happens when total fucking idiots submit to interviews with very smart people Ali Velshi and Stephanie Ruhle. (Remember when Trump idiot "Brad" went on their show and he got humiliated trying to mansplain "economy" to Velshi and Ruhle, who between them have about 50 years of experience in finance and economic reporting? Go back and watch it for a laugh!)

The big headline coming out of this interview is that Garmon said Ali Velshi, a Canadian person raised in Toronto who was born in Nairobi, Kenya, should understand why Roy Moore would yearn to stick his penis in children (ALLEGEDLY), because of his "background." CRACKER SAY WHAT? Do not try to take your Christian fundamentalist religious beliefs about how child abuse is awesome and stick them on Ali Velshi, you retrograde fucking mason jar full of incestuous squirrel shit!

Here's a quick transcript and video of that, then we'll share you more goodies from the interview below!

TRENTON GARMON: Culturally speaking I would say there's differences. I looked up Ali's background there, and wow that's awesome that you've got such a diverse background, it was really cool to read through that, but point is ...

STEPHANIE RUHLE LIKE NO YOU JUST DID FUCKING NOT: What does Ali's background have to do with DATING A 14-YEAR-OLD?!

GARMON: Uh, I'm not finished with the context of it, but point of it is this ...

RUHLE: Please answer, what does Ali Velshi's background have to do with dating children, 14-year-old girls?

GARMON: Sure. In other countries, there's arrangement through parents for what we would refer to as consensual marriage, so ...

RUHLE: Ali's from Canada.

GARMON: I understand that. Ali's also spent time in other countries ...

RUHLE: So have I!

ALI VELSHI: I don't know where you're going with this, Trenton.

GARMON: Point is, Stephanie, here's to answer your question. So he said "no, comma," so he answered no. [They are talking about Moore's interview with Sean Hannity.] And then he went on to say his process would be, before he'd date anybody, whether they're 25, 35, or whether he doesn't know their age, he would ask the mother's permission ...

First of all, we have never heard of Roy Moore dating a 35-year-old woman, or a 25-year-old woman. He married his wife Kayla (that lying asshole) when she was 23, but it seems he spotted her back when she was the age he liked them, by which we mean "a teenager." Also we don't remember Roy Moore asking 16-year-old Beverly Young Nelson's mother's permission before he allegedly tried to rape her behind the restaurant where she worked.

But also HOLY SHIT, WTF! Trenton Garmon has heard about them brown Muslims from Kenya-canadia-stan, ergo Ali Velshi should understand why Roy Moore wanted child lovers, right? (Velshi's wife, by the way, is a hedge funder named Lori Wachs. We don't know if Velshi asked her mom permission to date her, but we're going to guess nah BECAUSE EVERYBODY INVOLVED WAS A FUCKING ADULT, MY GOD.)

We must also note this creeper idiot's Bible salesman "that's just really cool!" reaction to Ali Velshi having a diverse background. If you haven't spent much time among fundamentalists, you may not immediately discern the white people wonder and amazement they exhibit toward foreigns (even Canadians!), right before they launch into their spiel about how Jesus is calling them to spread the Gospel to the brown heathens of the world.

Before we move on to the rest of the Velshi/Ruhle interview, did you see Trenton Garmon call CNN's Don Lemon "Don Lemon Squeezy Keep It Easy" last week? Lemon informed Garmon his mom didn't name him that, only to have Garmon giggle and respond, "I got you!" For real:

To be fair, Garmon was probably both uncomfortable and strangely aroused, as he was talking to a person who is both a black and a gay. He probably thought to himself, "They just keep comin' out with all kinda new and different humans, don't they! Too bad most of 'em are goin' to hell!"

OK, back to Velshi/Ruhle.

The first half of the interview is about the hilarious and stupid lawyer letter Garmon sent to AL.com and his threats to sue the Washington Post for defamation. (Watch this space for a post on that today!) You'll be shocked to learn Velshi and Ruhle take Garmon to school, despite how he is an expert lawyer who specializes in "ambulance chaser," who played football in college with some guys who actually ended up in the NFL, and served as the "Chaplin" for the Christian Legal Society during law school. Don't know why they needed a slapstick comedian, but now we understand more about the hilarious brain that birthed "Don Lemon Squeezy Keep It Easy." (Fun trivia fact: Garmon was born in 1979 in Gadsden, during the same period Roy Moore was allegedly touching kids in Gadsden! These two dudes obviously share a bond.)

Here's the second half of the interview, where it gets really good. We will excerpt the best Trenton Garmon #HotTakes after the video:

  • Roy Moore apparently had to enter a confidential settlement with the Gadsden mall over his creepy behavior toward young girls, according to Trenton Garmon.
  • There was not either a confidential settlement with the Gadsden mall, according to Trenton Garmon 20 seconds later!
  • If you asked Trenton Garmon permission to date his 14-year-old daughter when you were in your 30s like Roy Moore allegedly did, Daddy would not have allowed that.
  • Trenton Garmon did not know his wife's age when they first started a-courtin'. Turns out she was a legal adult of 21, but if things had been different maybe she woulda been younger like Roy Moore's various "girlfriends" were! (PRO TIP FOR ADULT MEN: If the girl you're interested in carries a bookbag to home school, she is probably a little girl!) Velshi and Ruhle replied:
  • Trenton Garmon says "robocalls are being made" to convince more women to come forward against Roy Moore. This is hilarious, because somebody (probably funded by Steve Bannon) is indeed making such calls. They purport to be from "Bernie Bernstein" from the Washington Post, because if you're going to scare Alabama Christian Cousin-Fuckers, might as well sound Jewy as possible! Stay tuned for the next round of robocalls, from WaPo's latest new hire, "Transgender KnockOutGame."
  • God bless Jesus, this boy is stupid.

Well, this has been a fun interview! We can hardly wait to report on whatever this legal rising star does next, so we can liveblog it while giggling so hard we pee a little.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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