Meet Your New Dad Marvin, Who Knows Kansas Ain't Got Coronavirus 'Cause Kansas Ain't Chinese Like Italy!

The chairman of the board of commissioners of Riley County, Kansas, has found the bright side of coronavirus, and that is why he is today's America's Bestest Smartest Elected Official Not Named Trump.

Commissioner Marvin Rodriguez explained that everything is fine in Kansas — up to date, really — and they ain't got no coronaviruses (they do) and he knows why. His comments at the board meeting were described by Usha Reddi, mayor of Manhattan, Kansas, which is in Riley County:

"I'm paraphrasing, but he said we don't have a problem here because Italy has a lot of Chinese people, and we don't have that problem here."

Got that? ITALY has the CORONAVIRUS, because ITALY TOO CHINESE. As if the virus just sprouts up in people of Chinese heritage, regardless of where they've been or with whom they've been in contact.

Hey, do you get it now, assholes? THIS is why Trump calling it the "Chinese virus" is bad and racist and dangerous.

This is his target audience, morons like this guy, who is (surprise) a Republican. Calling it the CHINESE VIRUS makes very stupid racist people like Riley County Commissioner Marvin Rodriguez think COVID-19 is just a thing that happens, in Chinese people, because of their inherent Chinese-ness.

The Kansas City Star called Marvin for comment and he said, now listen here, you stop right there, that ain't what he said:

"I didn't necessarily say it like that."

Go on.

"Italy has a problem with its health department, first. It's health for everybody."

Italy's "health department" is fine, but Marvin thinks it's automatically bad because it's nationalized. This is because Marvin believes everything Trump and Fox News tell him, most likely. Italy's healthcare system is actually ranked in the top 10 in the world, by the World Health Organization.

"I have a friend in the Navy, and he said ... "

Oh shit, Marvin has a friend. What did Marvin's friend say?

[In Northern Italy, where the virus first showed up in that country] "there's a garment industry and a lot of Chinese. If we were like Italy, we'd have it already."

That's all Marvin was sayin'! His Navy friend said there's a garment industry and a lot of Chinese people in Northern Italy, and it's a well known science fact that you get CHINESE VIRUS from CHINESE GARMENT INDUSTRY in CHINESE ITALY.

Look, you just gotta understand:

"Well, they say it came out of China," he answered, "and I'm not putting it past the Chinese government in communist China." Meaning, to export a virus on purpose? "Normally, this kind of thing spreads slowly," he answered, so "I put two and two together. I've been around a long time, girl."

Oh great, it's time for Chanel Rion conspiracy theories, because Marvin has put two and two together, and he's been around a long time, girl.

Fool Marvin once ... can't get fooled again!

Anyway, again, if Riley County was like Italy, well then, they'd have it, according to Marvin.

Ready for it?

It is the sad punchline you were all waiting for:

Riley County got its first confirmed case of novel coronavirus today. Somebody musta set up a Chinese Eye-talian garment district, right thar in Riley County!

The end.


[Kansas City Star]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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