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We understand loving something so much the thought of losing it drives you to violence. You should've seen us when they cancelled Desperate Housewives. Sensible people living in a society, however, might willingly sacrifice the thing they love if it would save even one life. Guns kill about 100 Americans daily, but Meghan McCain isn't interested in your gun-free dystopia. Yesterday, "The View" host set us commies straight on how beloved liberty-making assault weapons actually are.

MCCAIN: The AR-15 is the most popular gun in America.

McCain shares this factoid like she's "proud of that shit." Women's bodies are also popular, especially those under 40. Entire industries are devoted to women's bodies. That doesn't stop Republicans from trying to regulate the hell out of them. McCain herself is one of the Republicans who likes to get in a tizzy over imaginary infanticide. She once screamed on live TV about "punishing" doctors who perform a medical procedure she doesn't understand. She even accused her cohost Sunny Hostin of thinking "a baby born from a botched abortion should be put down like a dog or a cat."

Actual, non-rhetorical children have died or were orphaned in recent mass shootings. But the AR-15 is popular. It's the "Friends" of guns if you want all your friends to die horribly. McCain's little stat is misleading: Only 30 percent of Americans are gun owners, and the other 70 percent are afraid for our lives. Guns are a particular fetish for white conservative men who all think they see John Wayne in the mirror. But the Duchess of Arizona is here to warn us about what might happen if the vast majority of Americans impose their will on the gun-humping minority.


MCCAIN: I was just in middle-of-nowhere, Wyoming...

Wyoming the state has a smaller population than Portland the city. The least Megs McCabe can do is learn the name of the place in "real America" she was visiting. We are so done with the Budweiser heiress passing herself off as the hick whisperer. Joy Behar's mother was a seamstress and her father was a truck driver. Whoopi Goldberg grew up in the projects. The liberals on "The View" are not the out of touch elitists.

MCCAIN: If you're talking about taking people's guns away from them, you're going to have violence.

Dingbat, we already have violence. Violence is what keeps happens because of all the damn guns. We might've found McCain's argument compelling a few mass shootings ago, but now we're less concerned about a few so-called "law-abiding" gun owners freaking the fuck out because they don't like new laws.

The Republican governing philosophy is bizarre: "Let's force rape victims to carry their pregnancies to term. Women won't mind!" But ... "We can't take away military-style weapons that are used to kill innocent people with increasing regularity! MEN WILL GO CRAZY!"

Maybe this should be the sole screening question in background checks. "How would you feel if you ever had to turn in your gun?" "GIVE UP MY GUN? NEVER! EVER! I'LL KILL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! NOW PLEASE SELL ME GUNS!"

Tucker Carlson also suggested that gun confiscation would lead to Civil War. Tuck and Megs are talking about civilians killing cops and soldiers. President Elizabeth Warren isn't personally coming to your house with a large trash bag marked GUNS. She'd delegate this task to law enforcement and the military. Black people can't even say our lives matter without conservatives claiming we want cops to die. Black athletes can't even kneel during the National Anthem without conservatives claiming we hate soldiers. But gun fetishists can literally threaten armed revolt and that's apparently OK. It's amazing what you can get away with when you're white and have assault weapons.

MCCAIN: I'm not living without guns. It's just that simple.

Hear that, hippies? McCain won't even consider continuing her pampered existence without guns or her black market Oompah-Loompas. She dismissed co-host Abby Huntsman's reasonable concern about getting mowed down in a shopping mall with unreasonable bullshit about how "safe" she feels with guns because she can "protect herself." Look, we keep telling you people but assault weapons are not all guns. There are handguns, hunting rifles, and bb guns that'll put your eye out. We can ban assault weapons tomorrow and conservative women like McCain will still have plenty of access to guns that are statistically more likely to be used against them than for self-protection.

We also don't know how many more mass shootings in public places we need before gun-rimming morons realize that once the "bad guy" with the AR-15 opens fire, it's already your ass. Megs McCabe ain't Annie Oakley. At best, she'd end up whimpering under a table. At worst, she'd accidentally shoot a random bystander. We also don't consider it a victory when the proverbial "good guy" with a gun manages to stop the "bad guy" before he murders another dozen people.

Meghan McCain does not live in the Wild West or the slums of Shaolin. When she declares she's not "living without guns," she's expressing extreme paranoia and general disinterest for the lives of others. She is afraid of threats that simply don't exist for her. What does she do with her precious guns now? She reportedly likes to spend her off time in Arizona "hanging out in the creek and doing Jell-O shots and shooting guns." Oh, call off the gun grabbers then. Such a humble pastime is totally worth children getting shot in the face.

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He recently fled Seattle, where he did theatre work for Book-It Rep and Cafe Nordo.

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