Melania Flogs Classy As Sh*t White House NFTs

White House
Melania in a white hat

When God closes a door, she opens a window. For instance, when you filthy heathens ruined Melania Trump's coffee table book by pointing out that she was shooting photos of the White House bric-a-brac while her husband was fomenting an insurrection, she found another way to monetize her stint as First Lady. Time for some good, old fashioned "patriotic-themed collectibles with immutable provenance, recorded on the blockchain."

You know, NFTs! But these aren't just any old stupid image of a monkey — no, no, these are "10 original pieces of digital artwork highlighting iconic moments from President Trump's Administration."

Like when Trump advised Americans to drink bleach and stick lightbulbs up our asses to cure COVID. Or when he stared directly at an eclipse. Or when he teargassed protestors so he could molest a bible in front of a church. Or when he served cold Big Macs to football champions in the State Room. Or when he convinced his idiot followers to refuse to wear masks because that was sissy liberal shit, and hundreds of thousands of people died unnecessarily.

Whoopsie! Turns out it will be none of those things after all. You may choose between platinum and gold editions of "Mount Rushmore," "Liberty," "White House," "Air Force One," or "First Lady."


Haha, we are silly on Fridays. No, you will hand over your fifty bucks, and you will take what they give you. And if you didn't get the one you had your little heart set on, you will fork over another fifty, and cross your fingers. Or as Melania puts it, "Collectors will enjoy an element of surprise, as the artwork of each NFT is revealed after purchase. Of course, collectors can make multiple purchases to own the entire POTUS TRUMP Collection."

So it's like the world's most expensive Happy Meal. Minus the Happy Meal. And the toy.

Astute observers will note that Lady Airbrush got in a bit of a bother about NFTs three weeks ago when she auctioned off a package including the hat she wore when she met French President Emanuel Macron (i.e. the last time she felt a stirring in her loins, ALLEGEDLY), plus a watercolor and NFT of the same. Some unspecified portion of the proceeds were to go to charity, although whether this equaled the portion of real fruit juice in a Capri Sun was never quite clear. In the event, the charity appeared not even to be registered in Florida. Also, Vice noted that the winning bid appeared to come out of the same crypto wallet that set up the sale in the first place.

But other than that, you're doing great, Sweetie!

Anyway, this time, you can be sure it will be as authentic and legitimate as the presidential seal on the First Lady of Mar-a-Lago's correspondence.



Safe to say that Your Wonkette will not be spending money on a "patriotic-themed" NFT developed under Melania's "creative direction." We've barely recovered from her Murder Christmas Tree Display, thank you very much. But we might be able to find $20 in the sofa cushions to have Trump explain to us what exactly he thinks an NFT is.

"Please, sir, Mr. President, tell us in your own words, what is a non-fungible token, and how did Hillary Clinton use it to wire tap Trump Tower? The people demand to know how Biden used the blockchain to rig the election!"

With tears in our eyes.

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Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.

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