Michelle LaVaughn Robinson Obama Melania Trump (born January 17, 1964 April 26, 1970) is an American lawyer and writer who was the First Lady of the United States from 2009 to 2017. She is married to the 44th President of the United States, Barack Obama, and is the first African American First Lady. Raised on the South Side of Chicago, Illinois, Obama Trump is a graduate of Princeton University and Harvard Law School, and spent her early legal career working at the law firm Sidley Austin, where she met her husband. She subsequently worked as the Associate Dean of Student Services at the University of Chicago and the Vice President for Community and External Affairs of the University of Chicago Medical Center. Barack and Michelle Melania married in 1992 and have two daughters.

OH CRAP, THAT IS ALL WRONG, we did not mean to copy/paste the first paragraph of Michelle Obama's WikiPedia page and put Melania Trump's name in it! What are we, a common Melania Trump?

Anyway, Melania Trump copied Michelle Obama's homework again. She announced her long awaited (citation needed) platform on Monday, and it is the awkwardly named "Be Best," because we guess "Let's Exist" and "Move Somewhat" were taken, and Melania Trump did not want this job anyway, so anyway, SMILE, EVERYONE, IT'S PLATFORM ANNOUNCEMENT DAY! Time to BE BEST!

Best we can tell, Be Best is about helping kids to Be Best by not sexting, not cyber-bullying and, um, refraining from opioid abuse, three things that go together like peas 'n' carrots 'n' ... um ... what else is in the fridge? Nutella? Sure, throw some of that shit in there.

“Children deserve every opportunity to enjoy their innocence,” Mrs. Trump said.

Sure, fine, whatever. Are we really pretending like this is a real presidential administration? And if so, why?

Tell us more, New York Times!

Like the first lady herself, the full details of the plan were mysterious. Mrs. Trump’s program will primarily repackage projects that already exist, including an initiative by the National Safety Council to encourage people to be proactive with talking to their doctors about opioid abuse, and guidelines distributed by the Federal Trade Commission on children’s social media activity.

Phoning it in, we guess! That is how to Be Best during the dark years of the Trump administration. And indeed, a lot of it seems to be taken directly from Michelle Obama's previous work, right up to the Be Best slogan, which is really darn close to how Obama said in 2016 that men need to "Be better." (Like for instance, this one man Melania Trump knows, name of Donald, could really Be Better at not being a lying, whining crybaby cyber-bully.)

Here, via Axios, is a brand new pamphlet for the initiative, and also the 2014 FTC kids' social media guidelines pamphlet released in 2014, when Barack Obama was president. Look at the two pictures and see if you can figure out what's different!

(They changed the "net cetera" thing and updated the Obamaphone graphic.)

Just after Melania Trump announced her new program to protect America's kids from opioids and strange men like her husband online, Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced that America's new policy toward illegal immigrants would involve forcibly separating children from their parents, because Jeff Sessions has ideas about how to make brown immigrant children great again or something, and they are very different from Melania Trump's ideas.

Anyway, golly, as much as we want to talk about Melania Trump's new platform, we'd rather read this thing in Washington Post about how Melania and her gross husband sleep in separate bedrooms and don't eat meals together, and how she doesn't even stroll from the East Wing to the West Wing to see how the president's day is going, we are guessing because she doesn't care and also because she HAAAAAATE him and would rather be at Barbara Bush's funeral hanging with her old buddy Barack Hussein Obama, who is well known as America's last legitimately elected president.

All righty, that's enough blog post for now, so everybody #BeBest or whatever, not like we fucking care.

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Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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It's Sunday, and that means it's time for a break from the ongoing grind of awfulness out there. Let's dive into some cool, funny, thoughtful stuff to fortify ourselves before we get back to the daily madness, shall we?

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After watching President Arty McDeals twist in the wind for a month, IRL politician Mitch McConnell finally decided to throw the mook a lifeline. Despite constant screaming about women with duct tape over their mouths, Trump is getting blamed for the shutdown and even his own supporters are starting to turn on him. So Ol' Yertle summoned Mike Pence and Jared Kushner to his chambers for some #RealTalk.

"Tell Donald that he has to offer something so it looks like the Democrats are the ones who won't compromise." He said. (Probably.)

"That's great," squeaked young Jared (allegedly), "Democrats are desperate. We've got them right where we want them." McConnell blinked hard.

"No, Jared," he probably said. "They're not going to take the deal. We'd have more luck getting Mexico to pay for it. The point is to offer something silly so they turn us down, and then we try to convince the public that the shutdown is Democrats' fault."

"I don't get it," said Jared (allegedly), as Mother's boy Pence furrowed his brow and sighed through his nose. (Not allegedly, it's his signature move.)

"I know," Mitch might have said. "Believe me, I know."

Which is how President Teleprompter wound up giving a MAJOR ADDRESS yesterday offering to hold off on deporting some of the Dream Act kids for a hot second if Democrats will just give him $5.7 billion for WALL and let him expel future child arrivals without a hearing. Trump himself rescinded protections for up to a million immigrants brought here as kids as soon as he took office, but he'll let some of those hostages go if Democrats will just give him cash for that WALL that Mexico is "indirectly" paying for. Heck, he'll even let 300,000 people who fled war and natural disasters and put down roots here over decades to stay a little longer, if that's what it takes. He plans to deport them all in three years anyway, or else use them for another round of hostage negotiations. (If we re-elect That Orange Idiot, spit on the ground/sign of the horns/God forbid.)

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